Archived Blog Mar 19 2007

Monday, March 19, 2007
Finally, a Real Blog Entry! Eat my Ass!
Evan's Blog Returns With a Vengeance 2: The New Batch Harder Secret of the Ooze Pig in the City!

Hey everybody! I used to have a blog up on the blogspot website, but I took it down because I decided to apply to grad schools and the blog was horrendously offensive. I took the old blog down, and then of course, I got accepted to all the grad schools! It's funny, though, because they all accepted me with rejection letters, then when I called to clear up the obvious mistakes, they told me to try again next year. So, this year, I am trying again, but I just can't hold off on writing this goddamned blog! So, after a year and two month hiatus, here's your stupid blog again! Now worship me, minions!

First, the news.


Leave JetBlue Alone!


In the news today, there was a small article about how a JetBlue flight lost a chunk of its plane while flying. Granted, this isn't the best thing that could happen on a flight, I still say leave these poor assholes alone! Before, I hated JetBlue because they were a new airline owned by an old airline (AA maybe?) with a gay little twist. Not gay-homosexual, just gay-gay. Like, they would make stupid jokes during the safety speech. I've never taken JetBlue, I have too much self-respect, but my pathetic friend Joe takes it all the time.


Recently, JetBlue had a little stink up when they left some passengers sitting on the runway without food, showers, clean bathrooms, or even porn, for three months! Three whole months on that runway! And everyone and their he-she cousin was up in arms about it, because it was JetBlue. What they don't know is that, during the same time, Southwest airlines enacted a policy of killing every third passenger, while Lufthansa just focused on killing the Jewish passengers. Well, JetBlue didn't kill anyone, except for a few thousand migratory ducks, a hang-glider, and Amelia Earhart. BFD.


So, the media has been hounding JetBlue and is going to run this poor little gay company into the ground, forcing many people out of their jobs. And you know what happens when people lose jobs, don't you? Don't you? I'll tell you what happens. They rape their children and child-abuse their wives! Is that what you want, media? Besides, things fall off airplanes all the time, and no one notices. I was on a flight that complete exploded and disintegrated over the Atlantic Ocean, killing everyone on board, including me! I got home so late that day! Needless to say, that was the last time I'll ever fly Air Force One.


The Airbus 380 Will be the Death of us All!


So today, the A380 will land at JFK for its first flight to North America. As I've said before, this airplane is stupid. When airplanes crash, everyone on board dies. So, what's the solution? Make the airplanes bigger, so we can cram more people in to die! This dumbass-stupid-mobile can seat over five hundred passengers. Five hundred! They should just paint across the side, in large letters, "Hijack me!"


This plane needs to be stopped before it gets so big that the entire world's population can fit on it, and then guess what, crashy time. This plane is a menace! I urge all of my fellow Americans and perhaps some terrorists to destroy this plane before it is too late! Stop the monster! Don't feed the beast! Wash your private parts!


Infant Snatch!


No, I'm not talking about my sexual fantasies here. I'm talking about Rayshaun Parson. She's that woman who kidnapped that baby from a maternity ward. And I just want to say, good job, Rayshaun! You sure know how to get a baby! I know you've had two miscarriages, and the adoption agencies probably think you're unfit to be a mother. So, you did what you had to do! To show those bastards what a good mother you are, you stole a baby! Hooray! I'm so sorry it didn't work out for you, like it does for all those other people who steal babies. You know, all those successful mothers that kidnapped their babies and then raised them? Yeah, that happens so much. Sorry Rayshaun, you left too many clues!


Emma Watson, What is your Problem?

So it was reported today that Emma Watson, the girl who plays Hermione Granger, might not reprise her roles for the sixth and seventh Harry Potter films. Her buddy Rupert Grint, who plays Ron Weasley in the movies say that "doesn't want to do it anymore. She's tired of being known as 'that girl form Harry Potter.'" This is not conclusive, but here's my response:
=======================
Dear Emma:
Hey, what's up? I loved you in Harry Potter 1-4, and I'm sure you'll be great in "The Order of the Phoenix." It's a pleasure to talk to you. Now that the small talk's out of the way, what the fuck is wrong with you, lady? You're fucking Hermione Granger, ok? Get it through your thick skull! You're tired of being known as "that girl from Harry Potter?" Oh boo hoo, is that really so much worse than being known as "that girl who is an aspiring actress but never made it?" Stop fucking whining! If they had wanted to me play Hermione Granger, I would have strapped on a thong and slipped into some high heels and acted my wizard ass off with a smile on my face the whole time. You want to know why? Because A) I love Harry fucking Potter, B) I know when something good falls into my lap! C) I have fans who care about me and don't want to see me act like a stupid snotty retard! D) Because Harry Potter is awesome.
Seriously, I know what happened to Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill, but you've already been in five Harry Potter movies! Finish them off! What the hell? Why not finish them, you fucking quitter? You're not better than us! You're not! Get back in those wizarding robes and start recording "Half Blood Prince" before I expelliarmus your ass into the next dimension! Jesus Christ! You are Hermione Granger! You! Not me, not anyone else! It's you, so deal with it! If that's such a big problem with you, start a drug habit. I don't care! You're not even the best actress anyway, and sometimes you do a downright shitty job, but I want you as Hermione! You'll never get another role doing anything anyway, so just deal with it. You hear me? Deal with it!

It was so nice talking to you.

Love,
Evan
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Now, me!


Girlfriend!
In case you didn't know, the lovely Adrienne Foster (see my first friend) is my girlfriend! She's so wonderful and so hot! I love her! Sweet.


Body!


I have started working out a buttload more than I used to. It would be fine, except for the small fact that I have to also do a buttload of comedy and am trying to work more hours. I will probably end up having to cut my workouts down to more manageable levels. Whatever, I'm huge!

Comedy!


I'm still doing comedy, although I don't know why. I guess I'm getting funnier, but the whole damn thing can be very frustrating. It's usually my fault, though, when the audience doesn't laugh. Sometimes, however, they're douchebags. Other comedians too. Quick note, if you're a comedian and you read this whole blog entry, you ain't no douchebag.


Grad-Schools!


I have applied to ten grad-schools for creative writing. Here are the results so far:
Columbia: Rejected me, those ivy league assholes. Sarah Lawrence: Rejected me. I showed them my true self, and they didn't think it was good enough. I thought you cared about the students! The New School: Wait listed! Awesome… kinda. That's what me and my dad have discovered, that getting wait-listed for the new school is good… kinda. Fordham, NYU, CCNY, LIU: Brooklyn, CUNY Brooklyn, CUNY Queens, CUNY Hunter, all haven't gotten back to me yet. More updates in the future.


Until then, stay black!
Peace!
Evan