The Blog is back! It fucking happened!

Hey Guys! So this will be the first new entry in the new blog. I’ve gotten backed up here, so for this entry, I’m not going to talk about my life just yet, that will be coming soon. I will, however, discuss current events. So, this entry will contain the news over the last few days. I will just include items, some funny remarks about them, and now the new feature, a short joke about the subject that it in the style of a late-night talk show monologue joke, just for fun, just for the exercise. So here we go, jerks!

Various News Items Over The Past Week

Ver-sawch-ee!

Donatella Versace’s said her daughter, Allegra, was suffering from anorexia. So, she’s obsessed with being thin, eh? I wonder where she got that idea. Hmm… is there anyone she knows that seems to put importance on thin women? Hmmm… is there someone she knows that might glorify waifshly thin female super-models? Hmm… is she perhaps acquainted with anyone that worships starving girls that look like they were just released from Auschwitz? No offense, Donatella, but I hope your daughter dies because it’s your fucking fault, you image-obsessed, ugly-clothes-making, greedy, holocaust-denying bitch. Ok? You did this to her. You did it. It’s your fault. So stop holding press conferences and whining about Anorexia like your daughter isn’t the typical person who would have it. Besides, she’s probably fat anyway. You hear that Allegra? You’re fat! Keep working at it! Your buttcheeks are still touching each other! That’s fat!

Now, the joke: So Donatella Versace had a press conference yesterday to say that her daughter, Allegra, was anorexic. Now, she’s worried that this will spread to her other daughters, Claritin and Benadryl.

Hillclint

Clinton said recently that she is a feminist, and if you were to look up the word “feminist” you would find a picture of her. Having read Bill’s book, it is obvious to me that Hilary Clinton is very much behind women’s rights, but I don’t know if I would go so far as to call her a feminist. I mean, that name has connotations. If she’s a feminist, then where’s the flannel shirt? The short hair-cut? The other feminist whom she has regular sex with? The hairy legs? The hairy vag? We all know that Hilary has a nice Brazilian. So, the bottom line is that she’s not a feminist because she’s not a carpet licking dyke. However, she is for women’s rights.

Now, the joke: Hilary Clinton said recently that if you were to look up the word “feminist” you would find a picture of her. She said it’s the same picture they used for the word “pantsuit.”

Leave me alone, Houdini!

So recently, people have been trying to dig up Houdini’s corpse to determine whether or not he was murdered by poison, or died by being punched in the stomach, as was previously thought. However, the wife came out recently saying that digging up Houdini reeked of sensationalism. Sensational, eh? That’s right. Nothing incenses people thse days more than Houdini! I don’t think so. In a efw days, this story will disappear fast that say, oh… you know.

Now, the joke. Couldn’t think of a joke for this one.

I love you, the Netherlands!

Ok, so this one is just the joke. So a dutch fisherman, convicted of drug smuggling, could deduct the cost of buying and shipping the hashish on his tax forms, said the Dutch government. When asked for comment, the fisherman said “deductions? What? Man, I’m so high right now.”

Milk Jesus

So this artist made 200lbs of chocolate into a sculpture of a completely nude and anatomically correct chirst being crucified. Now, usually, I don’t give a shit about art, and this is no exception. However, a lot of other people are giving a shit about this one. One asshole, Bill Donohue, said “This is one of the worst assaults to Christian sensibilities ever!” Oh, boo hoo. And the three hour movie where Jesus is tortured the entire time is wholesome, family, fun, right? I know why you don’t like the Candy Christ, because it’s chocolate. Because that implies jesus was black, eh? Well, you have nothing to worry about. If Jesus had been black, he wouldn’t have turned water into wine, he would have turned it into malt liquor! Ha! BLACK PEOPLE: THAT WAS A JOKE, DO NOT FIND AND SHOOT ME! I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LIKE TO DO THAT, BUT JUST THIS ONCE, PLEASE TRY TO CONTROL YOUR ANIMALISTIC INSTINCTS! THANKS, BLACK PEOPLE!

Now, the joke. Christian groups are up in arms about a sculpture of jesus, who is naked and anatomically correct, completely made out of milk chocolate. The group said, yeah, we’re ok with most of the sculpture. We were just insulted by the use of the two Cadbury cream eggs and the snickers bar.

Take my wife, please! Then kill her.
So this NYPD recruit was caught recently for trying to have his girlfriend killed. No biggie, right? But here’s the thing. She’s standing by him! She’s sticking by his side throughout the trial. He must have a huge cock, or something. But seriously, is she an idiot? I mean, I understand going back to lover that’s abusing you. There is a strong psychological attachemtn and fear of leaving. But this guy skipped the whole middle man and just went for the final product. And besides, you don’t have to fear him anymore because he’s going to jail! So why stand by him? Oh yeah, huge cock. Anyway, what an idiot.
Now, the joke. The girlfriend of an NYPD recruit stood by him as he went on trial for trying to have her killed by an undercover police officer posing as a hitman. Apparently, she hasn’t read the part of “he’s just not that into you” where it says “he’s just not that into you if he tries to have you killed!”

Welcome Back, Potter

You might think this is a clever Harry Potter reference, and I’m sure later on it will be, or already was, but now, it refers to the fact that three city high school teachers were arrested for smoking weed in front of some Friday night concert, and were moved to other schools. These guys are awesome!
Now, the joke. Three city high school teachers were arrested for smoking marijuana. Hey, whatever keeps their hands off the students.

A quick one. Jennifer Lopez said recently that she wants to drop the J. Lo moniker and simply go back to being Jennifer Lopez. No word yet if she has asked her ass for permission.

Less Jokey items.

Former Bush aide Tommy Thompson said he is going to run for president. I don’t care.

The lone woman on the FBI’s most wanted list was arrested recently. First of all, the FBI is sexist! There should be a fifty/fifty split of women to men on the FBI’s most wanted list. Second of all, without her on the list, when is the Women of the FBI’s most wanted list calander going to come out?

James Doohan’s ashes were fired into space with like 200 other people. He played Scottie on star trek. I want go like that.