Archived Blog Mar 22 2007

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Evan-erotic Asphyxiation

I Put a Lot of Work Into These Blogs, So Read Them, You Filthy Ingrates! –or– Happy Birthday Kirk!

Hey guys! Here's my third blog in as many days! I like this whole not cursing thing, but it makes it harder for me to be funny. I guess I'm just not that talented. I guess I should just take my unfunny self and jump off a bridge. Onto anther bridge. And then jump off that bridge. And then after I land, shoot myself. And then throw the water gun out and use a real gun. And then, finally, shoot the first nun I happen to walk by. And then hang myself. Cry for help people! Save me from suicide! Save me now!

But first, the news:

Boo Hoo, My Doggy Died!

Princess was a bullmastiff. Notice, I use the term "was" because she is no longer a bullmastiff, now she's a rotting corpse slash thing I would like to dig up and have sex with. (Did you like how I write the word "slash" instead of just using the term "/"? You didn't? Oh. Well, what about next time—no? You'll never like it? I thought we were friends.) And I say, aww, boo hoo! Your doggy died… awww… she was poisoned by dog food. Oh no!

Well, let me tell you something about that bitch, Princess. She was dog-Hitler! It is written all over her. You could tell. Whenever you "shook hands" with her, she would bark a muffled "Rik Reil!" That, if you don't know, is dog for "sic heil." Now, if she was saying that all the time, that would be one thing, but only while shaking hands?

And what about the fact that she denies the holocaust? They tried showing Schindler's list to her, and she just fell asleep! That's denial if you ask me. Anyway, kudos to this dog food manufacturer! You have saved countless jew-dogs.

You Hate White People? Well They Hate You Too!

Steven Johnson of New York took hostages in an East Village bar a while ago and said that "white people are going to burn tonight!" In the end, everyone got out safely, and he was arrested. So, what was his charge? Community service? A couple months in the slammer? Nope, not that. Think higher. A few years in prison? Not quite a few. Life in prison? Think higher. Two hundred forty years in prison? Bingo!

That's right, they sentenced him to 240 years. Now, don't get me wrong, this is a crime, but murderers only get like 20 years anyway. This guy didn't murder anybody. He just said white people are going to burn. That doesn't even mean he hated white people. I'm sure there were a few fires in the world and in the US that night where white people were burned alive. That was probably what he was referring to. It's just like saying, "Asian people are gonna eat rice tonight!" That's not a racist statement, it's just fact. Somewhere, in the world, Asian people will be eating rice tonight. There are a billion people in china, some of them have to be eating rice!

Besides, if you start sentencing all the black people who hate white people to 240 years in prison, we're just going to be left with Whoopi Goldberg, Jaleel White, and Barack Obama, and he's not even black! You know what I'm saying? And then how would I know what was cool?

Land Marshals

So they want to put air marshals on trains now, in case of something going wrong. This is a great idea, because air marshals have stopped so many terrorist attacks so far! I mean, they've definitely stopped at least one, right? I mean, I think they have. Anyway, let's put them on trains, because terroirts are hijacking those.

Al Gore Stop Running For President And Accept That Global Warming Is A Scientific
Conspiracy!

So Al Gore went into congress to whine and moan about Global Warming, all while obviously trying to run for president. I think it's time to write a letter.

Dear Al, First of all, if you are going to run for president, make up your mind! Don't just run around pretending to care about some imaginary issue and pretending to care for the good of humanity just to get votes, ok? Be a man! You are just using this "concern for the environment" as political leverage! No one actually cares about the environment. The only people who have opinions on it are politicians and hippies, and the hippies are just high. Second of all, don't run for president. You don't have a chance at all! Nobody likes you, you have no experience, and the last time you tried, you got defeated, even though you won both the popular vote and the electoral college. Don't you know it's who you know? Do you know jeb? I don't think so. Only the person who knows Jeb can win. This has been proven many times. Third of all, we all know that Global Warming doesn't exist. It's just a vast scientist conspiracy. They want grant money so they can do their research (crack/cocaine). If the planet is getting hotter, then why did it snow this winter? Why haven't I been using my air conditioner? Why does my refrigerator still work? And sure, I know that Global Warming has been proven, but proven by who? Scientists? With cold hard data? Please. And, oh, I should believe it because every other person in all other countries in the world want it to be true? Just because only super right-wing Americans don't believe it? Please, Al. Do some research. The only reason that Republicans know the truth is that it's written in the bible. Don't you remember the eleventh commandment? "Thou shalt not not use Global Warming as a political football when it should be taken with the utmost seriousness." That's right, bitch. That's right.

Love,Evan

P.S. Lose some weight!

Ayatollah Assahollah!

So Senor Khamenei says that Iran will not stop doing the nuke thing, even if they have to do it illegally. Can we just invade already? I'm sick of everyone speculating about it. Let's just invade and get it over with. Can't we just have all our soldiers in iraq just take a few steps east? Then we'll be in Iran. Simple solution, let's do it.

Angelina, Shubafo!

First of all, in case you don't know, "Shubafo" means "Shut up before I punch you." I got it from my friend Makeen. Now, the issue at hand.

Angelina spoke about her new gay baby, Pax. You know, like K-Pax? Here's what she said about her new homosexual child. "You can imagine what it takes to be in all new surroundings, with new people and a new language. He is very strong."

Ugh. For Christ's sake, he's three, you idiot! He's three years old! He's not strong, he's just a damn baby! It's not like he has a choice, you kidnapped him! Brad, please break up with her before her pretentiousness kills you. I love you Brad.

Now, me.

iPoop!

My loving girlfriend surprised me with the gift I demanded that she buy for me, a nice iPod case that will protect the iPod completely and can be submerged in up to three feet of water or horse-semen. Thanks, Adie! I love you, sweetheart! And, if any other of you jerks even looks at her, I will tear your skin off.

Comedy!

Well, I'm doing comedy tonight, and I need to get started on fixing it up, because I only have two hours before the show and not that much new stuff to show for it. So, today's entry is almost ovah! I'll keep you all updated, because I know you are so obsessed with my life.

DVD Recorder and Digital Camcorder!

I need to buy a DVD recorder so I can store various files (porn) I have. Any suggestions? I also need a digital camcorder so I can record my comedy, video diaries, and perhaps intercourse. Any suggestions for a cheap digital camcorder that's cheap and is also inexpensive?

That's all for today, Evanites!

Stay Gay!

Evan