Archived Blog Mar 20 2007

Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Lick Balls!

Two Blogs in Two Days? This is Getting Tiresome. I Hate You, Evan Jacobs!
or
320, Man!



Hey Evanites! Here's a second blog entry! Crazy, eh? I'm so prolific. Well, let's just get down to this festering bullshit.

First, the news:

Naomi Campbell is Christ!

So Naomi "Bitch" Campbell started her first day of community service on this date. If you'll remember correctly, she is serving time because a while ago, her maid was unable to find Naomi's jeans, so Naomi took her cell phone, and hired a man to kill the maid and the maid's family. After the man was done the murders, Naomi, if I remember correctly, beat the murderer to death with the same cell phone she used to call him. The irony is incredible. I think at that point Naomi decided to destroy the planet earth and did so successfully.

But, alas, apparently these are "crimes" so Naomi has to now pay for it. I mean, come on! There is not one person that I know who wouldn't resort to violence because they can't find a pair of pants. Naomi's maid should be lucky that she was only shot in the head! It could have been much worse if it had been Russell Crowe's pants. That guy's an asshole. But, is Naomi an asshole? No way! Just because she acts and thinks like an asshole all the time doesn't make her one. No, she is not an asshole. She is a martyr for all of us that have used our cell phones to beat to death the murderers of our maids who couldn't find jeans. I mean, those jeans looked so great on me! God, I'm pissed.

And it's not like Naomi could just buy a different pair of jeans, or wear a different set of pants. No! She's not rich! She can only afford the one pair! Leave her alone, you racist bastards! Attica! Attica! (I've never seen Dog Day Afternoon.)

Anyone Who Destroys the Airbus 380 is Christ!

So the Stupid-Dumbass-Mobile landed safely at JFK yesterday, without everybody on board dying. This, I think, is a great tragedy. Now that these assholes lived, more and more people are going to start thinking that it's a great idea to get on board this giant, flying, Auschwitz. And, to top things off, I said that it seats 550 passengers yesterday. Turns out, when those elitist fucks aren't deciding to have a first-class section so they can keep down the lower class, the plane can fit around nine hundred people. Nine hundred! People! Someone needs to blow up this plane while it is still on the ground so we don't have to worry about it crashing! Somebody do something, Goddamnit!

How the fuck did this shit happen? Probably something like this.

Scene: Some yuppie-fuck office with two business guys in a meeting. The FAA guy is giving a presentation and the Airbus Executive is half-listening, staring into his black coffee. Neither is naked, but wouldn't it be funny if they were?

Act I

FAA: So, we've been having a lot of problems with safety aboard planes and hijacking in the recent decades.

Airbus Executive: Uh huh.

FAA: We need to come up with a plane that is much safer, less attractive to terrorists, and is extremely efficient in its fuel expenditure to ticket price ratio.

Airbus Executive: Sure, sounds good. Great coffee, by the way.
FAA: So, we want to commission a plane from you that can make long flights, but is small, and for the first time in human history, can crash while leaving most of the passengers alive.

Airbus Executive: Sure, sounds good. Where's the creamer?

FAA: So, what do you have for me?
Airbus Executive: Uh huh.

FAA: Yes?

Airbus Executive: Oh, you're asking—oh! Ok! Sure, we got this great plane! It's like a 747 fucked the Astrodome! It can fit 900 people! Also, it's the biggest plane ever! Let's just hope nothing ever goes wrong with it.

FAA: Perfect! Make a thousand!

Exeunt

People Who Didn't Win the Lottery are Christ!

So this jack-ass dip-shit couple in New Jersey claimed their millions today. I just want to be the first to say, fuck you couple! I never liked you anyway! You can suck my balls. I wanted to win that money, you fucking cock chuggers. Go suck a dick, you assholes! Unless you want to donate some of that money to me. I mean, you're not going to use all of it, right? You're in your late fifties. Let me have some of the money. Ok? That would be awesome. What do you say? Fuck. I knew you wouldn't! Fuck you!

Christ is Christ!

So this dumbass high-school senior decided, in 2002, to show a banner across the street from his school that said "Bong Hits 4 Jesus". Now, we are in the midst of a free-speech case over whether or not his sign was an experiment in free speech or it was an invitation to use drugs. Want to know what I think? Well? You don't? Tough shit!

First of all, this thing was both an experiment and an invitation. It's not the "Bong Hits" part, or the "Jesus" part, it's the "4." Any kid who uses the number four instead of the word "for" is definitely high.

Second of all, anyone who knows anything knows that Jesus was more a fan of 'shrooms. Sure, weed was around in the olden days, but considering that my boy Jesus thought he could turn water into wine after walking to it, could come back to life, and was constantly talking to god, he must have been fucked up on the mushies! I mean, when he was walking around, while everyone else saw desert, he was probably seeing a level from Super Mario Brothers. Man, that son-of-god was fucked up.

Anyway, in conclusion, fuck this guy!

Dead Woman is Christ!

So some old chick died on a flight from New Delhi to London, and the asshole airline, British Airways, moved the bitch to first class! First fucking class! God, you are such assholes! Why not shove her way back in coach and give the first class seat to the poor asshole that had to sit next to her, you fucking limey fucks? Worst of all, they put her next to another first class passenger! This rich piece of shit didn't shell out 3000 bucks just to sit next to a dead girl! At least let him screw her, you know? Oops. Shouldn't have written that.

Saddam is Christ!

So Saddam's aide, Taha Yassin Ramadan, who was sentenced to life in prison, got screwed over by the appeals process and now the Iraqis get to hang him. That's right. That'll teach him for murdering! In this world, if you're a murderer, you get murdered! Take that, logic!

Pax Thien Jolie is Christ!

So Angelina Jolie went to 'Nam yesterday to rescue her newest cunt-baby. I have no problem with that, but she's naming the little cocksucker Pax. You know, like roman for "peace" or like that movie with Kevin Spacey that sucked balls, K-Pax. Well, congratu-fucking-lations, you dumb bitch! Now you have three kids who are going to lead surreal, ridicule-intensive lives. Maddox, Shiloh, and now Pax!

"Hi! I'm Maddox. My mom is Angelina Jolie!"
"Fucking off, you fucking loser! Get a mom who isn't a whore. Why don't you go fuck your uncle like she did, you shit-eating douchebag? Get out of my sandbox."

That's how it's going to go down. I've already come up with some nicknames for the kids so you don't have to think of them.

Shiloh: Shit Hole. My Pole. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's gay baby.

Maddox: Mud Cocks. Maggots. Mad Ox. Buttox. Asshole. That poor bastard that Angelina stole.

Pax: Fag!

Sound good?
Evan Jacobs is Christ!

Ok, now for my news.

Gum!
I'm chewing gum right now.

Work!
I'm permanent at my job now. I probably shouldn't be writing this. Please don't tell anybody. Please. I'll do anything. Anything.

Girlfriend!
I wuvvy wuvvy wuv my baby Adie!

Tired!
God Fucking Damnit I'm tired!

Almost Forgot!

Yeah, I almost forgot. I was walking from my apartment to the subway today and I sneezed. There was a middle-aged black woman walking behind me by about twenty feet who said "bless you" but I didn't really hear her. How do I know she said "bless you"? Because she then proceeded to start saying: "Did you hear me? Did you hear me? Excuse me, sir? Did you hear me? I said bless you." So, I turned my head around, smiled, and said "thanks."

Was I really thanking her? No! I just wanted her to leave me the fuck alone. First of all, it's ten am, and I just got up! Don't even fucking talk to me! I don't care if I'm sneezing blood and urine, ok? Bless me? Fuck you! Second of all, damn it! Can't I just sneeze in peace without you having to bring religion into it? Goddamnit, leave me the fuck alone, god! I don't need to be blessed! I don't need goddamn anything! Just let me fucking sneeze and have that be the end of the goddamned story! Finally, you said "bless you!" good for you, you did a good deed. Oh, wait, no one saw you do the good deed? Oh, my bad! I forgot you were only being nice to serve your own selfish purposes. That's why when I give money to charities (which I don't), I say, hey, this money is from me! Evan Jacobs! I am giving you this money! Aren't I great? Hello? Excuse me, sir? Did you hear me? Did you hear me? I said I gave you this money!

Conclusion is Christ!

Well ladies and gentlemen, that, as they say, is that. See you next time I post something, which, at this rate, should be rather soon.
Queef!

Evan Jacobs