Archived Blog Mar 27 2007

March 27, 2007

I Love My Life –or—I Hate My Life!—Or, Happy Birthday Spock!

Just the news for this entry.

But first, the news.

Death: New York Assholes Want to Grade Restaurants.

So, in the last couple of months, there have been major health things going on after a Taco Bell/KFC had rats running around in the basement. As far as I understand, there was construction going on, and the rats came out in response to the tremendous vibrations affecting their homes. It got caught on video tape, so NYC shit a brick, and now they are going nuts with the health code violations, because they are idiots and don’t realize that there are rats in every building in the entire city. What a bunch of douchebags. So, what do they do?

I’ll tell you what they do. They’ve come up with the retarded idea that they should grade these restaurants and make the restaurants display their grades prominently on their facades. Yeah. That’s gonna happen. You want to give people the truth? Well, people can’t handle the truth!

Worst of all, here’s the quote from State Senator Jeff Klein about the new proposal: “It will certainly rat out the bad restaurants.” Ha ha, Jeff Klein! You are so funny! That wasn’t a forced pun at all! Why am I struggling to be a stand up when there are people with such massive talent out there as you? I can never be that funny!

Happy Land

So, in 1990, there was a fire at the social club, Happy Land, where 87 people died. The survivors, yesterday, decided to give out their condolences to the 10 Malians who were killed recently in another Bronx fire, where there was the great tragedy of one man losing his wife and his children. So, let me respond for him, as he’s in Mali right now.

Listen, Happy Land, don’t lord your higher body count over those poor Mali saps. Just because they had a fire too doesn’t mean you have to come in and be like, “oh, we had more dead people! You guys suck.” No, you guys suck! You suck, Happy Land! And I am probably the first one to point it out, but to be trapped in a fiery inferno where you burn to death inside a place called “Happy Land” is slightly ironic.

Congratulations, President Edwards!

So John Edwards today (Monday) said “Do not vote for us because you feel some sympathy or compassion for us. That would be an enormous mistake.” Bravo John! That’s get people to vote for you because they feel sympathy or compassion! Reverse psychology is king! Oh man, I want to vote for you and the missus so much now. I have so much sympathy and compassion. I don’t know, but I think I have a little empathy! Oh wait, I’ve never had cancer. Never mind.

Two things though. First of all, you used “for us” twice in the first sentence, and that makes it redundant. That would be like if I had just written: It is redundant for you to use the redundant phrase “for us” redundantly twice in the same redundant sentence, which is redundant. You’re such a redund. Second of all, is it just me, or did you say that voting for you would be a huge mistake? That’s reverse psychology, I guess, but take it easy man. You know how that sentence can be screwed with now, just will ellipses or brackets? You don’t? I’ll show you! Here’s the ellipsis version: “Do not vote. . . . That would be a an enormous mistake.” What? You don’t want us to vote at all. Here’s the bracket version: “Do [vote for me, because to] not vote for us because [don’t] you feel some sympathy or compassion [makes you a baby killer!] For us[, giving up Satanism is something] That would be an enormous mistake.” See? He loves Lucifer.

Where’s the beef?

So in Texas, this dude, Timothy Wayne Shepherd, and this girl, Tynesha Stewart, 27 and 19 respectively, were going out, and they kind of got into a little fight. And things got kind of heated, and Timothy Wayne Shepherd kind of sort of maybe killed her a little bit. And then, you know, one thing led to another, and people weren’t thinking, and hurtful things were said, and Timothy Wayne Shepherd may have by accident just dismembered her and chopped her up into pieces, purely accidentally. And then, almost in a comedy of errors, after a series of misunderstandings and miscommunications, Timothy Wayne Shepherd just got a little scared, and completely in self-defense, he may or may not have barbecued her body parts for two days straight.

And now, they want to prosecute this guy. First of all, don’t you think he’s gone through enough? I mean, his girlfriend just died! Also, he just killed someone! Also, it was completely by accident! Also, hacking of limbs is a grueling task, not to mention slaving over a hot barbecue for two days where nobody thanks you for the hard work or good food. Second of all, what ever happened to self defense? Has anyone looked into this? She probably threatened his life somehow, and then, without even thinking, he just reacted quickly, by killing her, cutting her up, and burning her body parts. And, she happened to die in the process, probably because of some pre-existing medical condition. What ever happened to our civil liberties? Am I not allowed to protect myself if I am being attacked! For shame, America, on your treatment of this saintly man.

Splinter Taught Them To Be Ninja Team

TMNT is number one at the box office last weekend! Good job guys! Good job, Monet, Manet, Degas, and Botticelli! I think that’s their names. Oh yeah, and the rat. What’s his name? Anal Mucus. That’s his name, right?

Marvin Bernard is Tony Yayo

So Marvin Bernard was released form jail a few days ago being he had assaulted a 13-year-old boy last week. Apparently, the boy was just walking on the street, when Yayo and his posse pulled up along side him, jumped out, and pushed him up against a wall. Then jumped back in the car and drove off. Later, Marvin Bernard, rapt with guilt, turned himself into police.

My question is: what the hell is that about? You’re a crappy rapper, why do you need to be beating up thirteen year olds? Pick on someone your own size. I nominate myself. I could use a good ass whooping. Come on, Marvin, bring it on, you little bitch!

Don’t actually bring it on!

Despite what I just said, please don’t come and beat me up. Thanks.

Hermione is back!

So, it seems after I posted that letter to Hermione/Emma Watson that she must do the next Harry Potter movies, she finally agreed to do it. Coincidence? I think not. She definitely read it. Man the world revolves around me so much.

Snoopists!

So, snoop has been denied a visa for doing a whole bunch of shown in the U.K., most likely because he was arrested at heathrow airport last year after he got into a fight. Listen, United Kingdom, if that is your real name, you have no right to keep Snoop out of anywhere. Just because he lieks to carry around guns and drugs and get into fights doesn’t mean you need to get all up in his grill about it! Besides, what better publicity for you and heathrow airport is that anyway? You should definitely let him in and perform music for your snaggle-toothed, smelly audience. Besides, isn’t this a little hypocritical? I mean, you get all upset at snoop for fighting in the airport, but when you decided to invade our country in 1776, we didn’t complain! You guys are jerks. Minge.

Britney is on the loose!

Watch out everyone! Britney is out of rehab. I’m sure she’s fine, because she did spend six hours there. That’s enough to stop addiction, right? Oh, all the experts in the world says it takes at least three months? Well, what do they know anyway? So, britney’s out, so be careful. Watch out for you umbrellas, your babies with driver’s licenses, and of course, your penises.

That’s all for today
Evan out.