Archived Blog Mar 21 2007

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Gumbo

Disclaimer! If you are from a grad school evaluating me, don't read this blog!

Here we go:

My pee is cloudy! --or-- My pee is smelly!

Hey racists and racistettes! Welcome to the third installment of my new blizzog! Wondrous excitement, fantastical adventure, abundant enjoyment, and tremendous entertainment can all be yours! But, those things can only be yours if you read this blog. Or was that refrain from reading this blog? Whatev, same diff.

So, it has occurred to me and my brain that I may use profanity too--how should I put this?--much. So, for now, I am going to try to curse less and use much less vulgar language. I need support from you guys on this, because it might be hard. But so far, I'm clean as a baby's anus. Oh twat! Stop, Evan. Stop. You can do this. Ok, here we go!

A Boat that is More Heroic than a Cadaver Dog!

So the fire boat, the John J. Harvey was built in 1931, decommissioned in 1995, and added to the National Register of Historic Places in 2000. It's a cute little red boat that has a whole buncha hoses that shoot out water, much like one of those fountains that are stupid. You know the ones I'm talking about. Those stupid fountains? Yeah, those.

Anyhoo, on Nine 'Leven. The boat was de-decommissioned, and helped aid in giving water to the first responder teams so they could put out the fires. In all, the boat probably saved a whopping two or three lives.

Anyway, now the boat is totally screwed up, and is about to sink, because it's 75 years old. Now there is a fund-raising campaign to save the boat. It needs about a million dollars to save it. I think this is a great use of money! Why try to combat Aids in Africa when you can keep an ancient, worthless boat around for nothing? I mean, you have to save it. After all, the boat is a hero! That's right! That's what people are calling the boat. A hero. Because you wouldn't want to call the people who worked on the boat that day heroes. They're not heroes! They're losers! They tried to hold the boat back, but the boat wanted to fight terrorism. Shame on those firefighters! How dare they stop the boat from being the hero it truly is. Hey, I have an idea, after the boat is fixed, have it star in some action movies! Maybe it can play Hermione in the last two Harry Potters! It would certainly be a better actor. Or, here's an ever better idea! The public should get a hold on reality and stop wasting money on this worthless garbage! Well, maybe that idea's a little crazy.

T Twain!

So work on the second avenue "T" line in New York is going to start soon, and everyone is so happy because it will be completed by 2020. Great! Just in time! I was planning on going to the Upper East Side on March 23 2021, and the train will be ready by then! I don't need a second avenue line right now at all. And, the plans certainly are newsworthy. We'll have to start rethinking the morning commute, in thirteen years. Thank god there was a story about the line today. I don't want to let it get by me. Hopefully, there will be constant updates on its status from here on out.

Conflict Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend!

I was reading an article today about how the movie "Blood Diamond" has now shed some light on the horrible diamond industry where many in Africa are slaughtered and put into slavery to collect diamonds called "conflict diamonds" that sell for cheaper. Anyway, that's not the point. The point, is a quote from Martin Rappaport, publisher of the Rappaport Diamond Report.
He said this "You give a girl a fair-trade diamond, she's going to love you more because you're also altruistic."

What do I think of this, you ask? Well, if I may be serious for a moment here, as long as a girl is getting a diamond, she doesn't care where it came from. She certainly isn't going to "love you more," you idiot. She might postpone the break-up or divorce longer in hopes of more diamonds, but she's not going to love you more, you vapid moron. Also, it's not altruistic to not buy a diamond that's from the conflict areas just to buy some other diamond. "Oh man, you are so giving and charitable! I can't believe you got me a not-conflict-diamond! Are you Jesus? Seriously, are you Jesus? Cause you sure act like him!" You know what is altruistic? Not buying any diamond at all and then giving that money to charity. I mean, I wouldn't do it, because I hate charities and helping people, but then again, I'm not altruistic.

Good Job, American Voters!

So this is from the AP: "A defiant President George W. Bush warned Democrats yesterday to accept his offer to have top aides testify about the firings of federal prosectors only privately and not under oath or risk a constitutional show-down from which he would not back down."

That's right, good job, American voters! You elected a president who is completely cooperative with the public in helping us to rid this government of all corruption. Now, I know what you're probably saying, that "hey, can't those people just lie and say whatever they want because they won't get in trouble for it?"

Well, that's a tough one to answer. You see, first of all, we need to have the questions private. Lord knows that if they were public hearings, the top aides would be swamped with hoots, air horns, bras being thrown towards them, naked women mounting and getting impregnated by them, and so on and so forth. Thus, we need to make it private because these people are mega stars.

Secondly, of course they shouldn't take the oath! Taking the oath makes you a part of this justice system, and because we're trying to figure out who is firing people within the justice system, taking the oath would be a conflict on interest! That's why they can't take the oath! I'm not worried, though. These guys are swimming in honor and integrity, so I'm sure not one lie will be told. Next!

Good Job, American Americans!

So Reps and Dems are mad at the FBI, and here's what Darrell Issa, R-Calif said to them after threatening that they will not be able to use telephone and e-mail records to hunt terrorists. "From the attorney general on down, you should be ashamed of yourself. We stretched to try to give you the tools necessary to make America safe, and it is very, very clear that you've abused that trust."

Excuse me, Mr. Issa, but have you forgotten that we're at war? That's right. You want to take away those powers, then you are taking away the ability of us to hunt terrorists like Osama bin Laden who is currently using our telephones and banks, and e-mails. Like, just the other day, I had this conversation.

Evan: Hello?

Osama: Hey buddy.

Evan: Oh, hey Obielle! What up with my favorite terrorists mastermind?

Osama: Shhh… don't call me that.

Evan: Naw, don't worry dog, the FBI can't track this stuff anymore.

Osama: Oh, so I can be candid about everything?

Evan: You sure can, friend for life. Come on, Obielle, tell me about whatever it is you need to. Terrorist attacks, hating America, your location, go nuts!

Osama: Well, if I can be candid, tell me this: what are you wearing?

Evan: A tight white t-shirt and my pink cotton panties with the little bears on them.

Osama: Mmm. That's sexy.

Evan: Whatcha doin?

Osama: Touching myself.

Anyway, it goes on from there, but now that the FBI can't get records, how are they going to catch this man? Damn you congress! 9/11 is your fault! How are we supposed to live in a big-brother society now?

Uhhh, Maybe Second Place is Better

So congratulations Katharine Tuck! You are the cute, little, seventh-grader who beat out six other kids to win the 32nd annual National Odor-Eaters Rotten Sneaker Contest. Apparently her shoes were so bad the judges were wincing. Anyway, again, I want to say congratulations, and I wish you a very happy future of never attracting a man ever, and dying lonely! Kudos!

Free What? What Speech?

Ernst Zundel was sentenced to five years in prison for denying the holocaust. The person who represented him, as I understand it, was Sylvia Stolz, who has now been charged with the same crime after she ended one of her legal filings with "Heil Hitler". A few things on this. As a jew, I think we should take all people who deny the holocaust, round em up, and send em off to be gassed! Yay extremes!

They Didn't Listen to my Blog!

Saddam's aide, who I mentioned yesterday, done got hangded.

You've Got to be Freaking Kidding Me!

A Hooters is opening up in Israel. Need I say more? Oh wait, I guess I should. First of all, Hooters is the stupidest place on the universe. I mean, who likes wings? They're half bones anyway. Wings are dumb. They get you all messy. Why not just have a breast? No pun intended there. Anyway, we shouldn't be spreading this filth around the world like this, and Israel? I mean, I just, I guess, I don't know anymore.

Clitney Queers is Better Than Ever!

So she's leaving rehab this week, has reportedly been there since Feb. 22, and has said to have "made a lot of progress." I heard her kid is going to pick her up and drive her home, so she can pour liquor up her un-covered twat. Oh, damnit, I cursed. Sorry. Apparently, she also agreed with Federline to split the kids, with Clitney eventually getting primary custody. That's what these kids need: An insane alcoholic hairless slut who forces them to drive everywhere and also shakes them when they cry. Good job, universe!

J.K., I love you! (Sorry Adie)

It has been announced that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows will be 784 pages! Sweet Jesus that's wonderful! I was hoping it would be longer, but you know, I'll take it. I'm so excited. As of today, it is exactly four months before the book comes out. Get ready everybody!

Now, Me!

Ugh. I can't write anymore. I spent all damn day writing this blog, trying very hard not to curse, and I have to say I did a good job so far. Fuck Twat! Damnit. I cursed. Ugh. Forgive me. Anyway, I'm tired, so just enjoy this new survey for now, so I can work on some much needed comedy stuff. Until tomorrow, friends!

Love,

Evan

The Strange Questions Survey

What's the largest age difference between yourself and someone you've dated:
Dated or had sex with? Dated? Fifty years. Had sex with? A couple minutes. That was the age difference and the length it took for me to climax. That means ejaculate. Not a curse! Not a curse!

Ever been in a car wreck?:
No, but I was once in this helicopter that crashed over Somalia. Long story short, Josh Hartnett played me in a movie.

Have you ever been on a blind date?:
I've been on dates where I wished I were blind. Does that count?

Are looks important?:
They are not only the most important thing, they are the only important thing. Screw personality! By the way, my girlfriend has both the looks and the personality, but I don't really pay attention to the personality part. I love you Adie!

Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more??:
Yeah. You jealous? Loser. Nobody likes you!

By what age would you like to be married?:
Five.

Does the number of people a person's slept with affect your view of them?:
Considering I am the Wilt Chamberlain for ugly girls, I really can't fault anyone for being promiscuous. Let's leave that up to Maury.

Have you ever made a mistake?:
Noep. Oh no! Typo! My first mistake! Also, one of those hobos I killed turned out to be a congressman!

Are you a good tipper?
Here's a tip: kiss my ass! Whoops! Not a curse! Otherwise, yes I am a splendid tipper. Now, kiss my a- butt. Kiss my butt. Phew.

What's the most you have spent for a haircut?:
Man, these questions are better than most surveys. They aren't as stupid, and I'm not getting as mad answering them. However, I refuse to answer this question based on the presumption that nobody cares either way.

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?:
All my teachers were ugly.

Have you ever peed in public?:
I'm doing it right now! But seriously, who hasn't? Find me someone that hasn't done this, and I will show you someone that I will lock up in my closet and feed cream of wheat to until they agree to be my personal slave/concubine.

Would you tell your parents if you were gay?:
Well, they told me they're gay, so I guess I would return the favor. And, for the record, I'm not gay. I just like having sexual intercourse with males.

Beatles or Stones?:
I wish I could come up with a funny answer to this one. Oh, wait, I have one! Suck my balls!

If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who?:
Maya Angelou! I hate her!

Beer, wine or hard liquor?:
No, no thanks. Just a diet coke. I don't drink on the weekdays. But thanks for the offer. Maybe a different time. Just a diet coke for now. That's diet!

Do you have any phobias?:
I'm afraid of being too good in bed. And so far, my fears have been realized!

What are your plans for the future?:
Some success, a little bit of love, Spider-Man 3, some hobo murders, comedy, writing, and finally, full-scale alien invasion.

Do you walk around the house naked?:
Only when the cable guy is over.

If you were an animal what would you be?:
A human being, dumbass! Whoops! Not a curse!

Hair color you like on someone you're dating?:
Dark Brown highlighted with semen.

Do you have any special talents?:
Nope. I'm a waste of atoms.

What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?:
Urinate then contemplate that night's upcoming hobo murder.

Do you like horror or comedy?:
I hate everything, damnit! Not a curse!

Are you missing anyone?:
Saddam.

If you weren't straight, what person of the same sex would you do?:
Every last one I could find. You, baby.

Where do you want to live when you are old?
Nazi Germany.

Who is the person you can count on the most?
Osama bin Laden

If you could date any celebrity past or present, who would it be?
Nefertiti. She's hot.

What did you dream last night?:
Oh, you know, the usual. Rivers of blood and fire. Laughing skulls. Deformed infants. Dying. Death. Destruction. Disease. The usual.

Are you named after anyone?:
I was named after Hillary Duff.

What is your favorite alcoholic drink?:
Horse semen with vodka.

Non alcoholic drink?:
Horse semen without vodka.

Do you sing in the shower?:
If I showered, I might.

Have you ever been arrested?:
No comment.

What is your favorite Holiday?:
September 11th!

Would you ever get plastic surgery?:
I'll probably be needing several penile reductions as my life goes on.

Have you ever caught a fish?:
Yes, if by "fish" you mean "sexually transmitted disease."