Archived Blog Mar 23 2007

Friday Blog. Read This Before You Read the Ball Entry!

So, I Need Help! –or-- So, I'm not feeling very funny today.

So, I was watching MTV and I saw some teens affected by a condition that I have known about long before I had seen this show, self mutilation. People who do this are often called "Cutters," because they cut themselves to relieve anxiety and depression. It's an addiction, like drugs, or vomiting up food, and it is a psychological disorder. Anyway, I've realized something.

So, I'm a Pisser! When I'm in times of stress or depression, often times, I will go to the bathroom and urinate. Currently, I'm up to about five times a day! It's interrupting my life. Whenever I get sad or stressed out and I've had a lot of liquids, I start pissing! I need help! I need an internvetion. I need to stop urinating!

The Newsies!

Dead potential first lady walkin'! or Congratulations, President Edwards!

So, it has been released that the wife of the ever beautiful and yummy yummy John Edwards, Elizabeth Edwards, has had a reappearance of cancer, and this time it's incurable metastatic breast cancer that has spread to her bones. The New York Times said that only 26% of people who have this live for more than five years.

And guess what? John Edwards is going to go forward with his campaign! And guess what? You're screwed Hilary and Barack! You are totally screwed! Who are you going to vote for, America? A black man, a white woman, or a poor, attractive, white man who's attractive wife that he loves very much is dying of cancer? What? You're going to vote for Barack? So you're for cancer? That's what I thought. Voting for anyone other than Edwards is a vote for cancer. And you know who loves cancer? That's right. The terrorists.

Poor John and Elizabeth. I say this for the following reasons. 1. Elizabeth is going to die. That sucks. I feel bad for her, and almost feel too bad to make light of her situation in my blog. Almost. 2. What is John supposed to do? When your wife has cancer, do you stop running for president to be with her? If you do that, you end up resenting her because she has cancer. Then everything is screwed. Then you sleep with 12 year old asian boys. And what if you do run? Then you can't be there all the time unless you don't win the presidency. But what if you do win the presidency? Then you're wife has to die while you eat burritos with the president of mexico. I don't know.

Here's what he should do: use her cancer as a political football! It's not that bad to do that. Republicans do it with 9/11 all the time, and John Edwards wife is 9/11 divided by 3000, which is approximately .3. Is .3 that bad? No way! It's less than one! And if that doesn't work, he should slit her throat. Put her out of his misery. I mean her misery.

At least at some point, this hot young lawyer will be back on the market with all his scrumptious juiciness, and I get first dibs! I called it ladies. (Sorry Adie, I love you!)

Screw the Newsies!

Ok, so I shouldn't force it, right? I wanted to talk about the government giving the go ahead for children to stare at porn all day, or the fertility clinic that gave a white couple a black baby, or the fact that Houdini is going to exhumed and sodomized, but I don't wanna talk about this stuff today. Instead, I'm gonna regale you all with the tale about how I almost gave myself a vasectomy. That's in the next entry. Enjoy it, and realize, it's the rough draft.

God, I'm tired.

Have a nice weekend, Evanites. Enjoy the tale of my testicles!

Evan