Archived Blog Nov 3 2006

Friday, November 03, 2006

Pikachu is Jesus! Category: Quiz/Survey

Who Was the Last Person You....."

1. You hung out with?
My hot, big-tittied girlfriend.

2. Rode in a car with?
A couple FBI agents.

3. Went to the movies with?
My sexy, tight-pussied girlfriend.

4. Went to the mall with?
Eli Whitney

5. You talked on the phone to?
My gorgeous, nice-assed girlfriend.

6. Made you laugh?
Jon Benet Ramsey

7.Last person you told and/or they told you they Loved you?
My wonderful, ball-fondling girlfriend.

W O U L D . Y O U . R A T H E R?

1. Pierce your nose or tongue?
Well, seeing as I don't suck dick (often), my nose.

2. Be serious or be funny?
You must be the dumbest motherfucker alive. Funny, you fucking idiot.

3. Drink whole or skim milk?
I only drink tit-milk.

4. Die in a fire or get shot?
Get shot, because you didn't specify that I would die. I found a loophole, shit-eater!

5. Spend time with your parents or enemies?
What the fuck kind of dumbassed question is this? Am I just surrounded by retards? Hello? Is there anyone intelligent left? Hello?! My parents, you stupid dipshit.

A N S W E R. T R U T H F U L L Y.

1. Do you love anyone special /does anyone special love you?
My goddamned girlfriend! Are you fucking kidding me? Haven't you been reading this survey? Goddamnit!

2. Sun or moon?
Well, seeing as the Sun provides all life to the planet and is basically the creator of myself, you, and everyone else, while the moon does jack shit, I would say the sun, dickface.

3. Winter or Fall?
I guess I would prefer Winter. I like it when other people are miserable. Also, it's easier to hide hobo bodies.

4. left or right?
I am right handed, but I lean towards the left politically. Now don't you feel like an asshole for asking a stupid question?

5. 10 acquaintances or two best friends?
Again, was this survey written by a retarded gorilla? No, it couldn't be. It must have been a drunk, retarded gorilla.

6. Sunny or rainy?
Again, when other people are miserable, I'm happy. Let's go with the rain on this one. By the way, fuck you!

7. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?
Only Nazis prefer Vanilla. You hear that, you fucking Nazis?

A B O U T . Y O U.

1. What time is it?
11:24am, November 3, 2006 AD.

2. First Name?:
Suck my fucking cock.

3. Where do you wanna live?
Inside my penis.

4. How many kids do you want?
As many as possible. I want to create a small army to do my bidding.

5. Do you want to get married?
No thanks, I'm taken. But thanks for asking.

6. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
Spaghetti is for faggots. Everyone knows it. And, to answer your question, I slurp each strand individually until I am either kissing lady or the tramp.

7. Have you ever eaten spam?
I've eaten sperm a million times. Wait, spam? Oh, yeah. I've had it once or twice.

8. Favorite ice cream?
Does anyone really give a fuck what the answer to this question is?

9. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet?
Zero, you assuming piece of shit.

10. Do you cook?
Only dead hobo-limbs.

11. Current mood?
Suck my balls.

IN . THE. LAST. 48 HOURS. HAVE. YOU.

1. Kissed some one?
Yup. My girlfriend and then that Asian tranny.

2. Sang?
Yup. To my girlfriend and then some Asian tranny.

3. been hugged?
Oh yeah. By my girlfriend and then this weird Asian tranny.

4. Felt stupid?
NEVER!

5. missed someone?
Yeah, my girlfriend. Not so much the Asian tranny.

6. Danced Crazy?
Eat shit, asshole.

8. Gotten your hair cut?
I haven't gotten my goddamned hair cut in six fucking months.

9. Cried?
Crying's only good for bringing pokemon back to life. [For an in-depth analysis of this phenomen, see Pokémon: The First Movie (1999)]

10. Lied:
Only to that hobo when I said I wouldn't murder him.

Archived Blog Oct 23 2006

Monday, October 23, 2006
Same survey again! Fuck my ass! (different answers)
The Dirty Thirty... 30 unknown facts about yourself:

1. What does your MySpace headline mean?
It means I'm not gay! Why does everyone keep thinking that I am?

2. Elaborate on your default photo:
I'm giving myself bunny ears. That's my genius idea, I came up with it. Don't steal it, or I will take a dump in the upper part of your toilet, so when it flushes, it gets filled with dump.

3. What's your middle name[s]?:
Spencer.

4. What is your current relationship status?
I have a beautiful, intelligent girlfriend with big titties.

5. What are you wearing right now?
A standard NASA issued space-suit. It's a real bitch typing right now.

6. What is your current problem?
My life is a complete failure.

7. Who do you love most?
Osama bin Laden

8. Who makes you most happy?
Hobos, because they let me murder them.

9. Are you musically talented?
Very much so. I would elaborate, but you would probably be too interested.

10. If you could go back in time, and change one thing, what would you change?
Time is a whole, according to special and general relativity. Thus, any change that you can make is part of time, and always has been. Thus, there is no such way to change an event that just is. That is to say, if one went back in time, they would have to change events such that, in the future, they would have to go back in time again to change the same thing. If they don't change events to do that, then there was no purpose for them to go back in time in the first place, so they never did it. If they do change something, then it was always like that, and therefore, going back in time was already part of the fabric of time itself. Thus, there is no way to change anything, you ass-fucking piece of shit!

11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day, what would it be?
Tapeworm

12. Ever have a near death experience?
My whole fucking life is a near-death experience.

13. Can you dance?
I can dance like an idiot.

14. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?
I think I filled out this survey before! Again, there is no song stuck in my fucking head! Do people normally always have a song stuck in their heads? Wait, don't answer, I already no the answer: They Don't! You are a fucking asshole dipshit that doesn't deserve for me to fill our your worthless survey.

15. Who did you cut and paste this from, and would you make out with them?
Kristyn. I never made out with her, but I kissed her in the past. I probably would make out with her, if I weren't spoken for by my wonderful girlfriend.

16. Name someone with the same birthday as you.
Nobody. I'm the only one with my birthday.

17. Have you ever destroyed someone's property?
Most hobos don't have property, by definition. But, you could say that someone owns their own life, so yes, I destroyed their property, meaning that I killed them. Brutally.

18. Have you ever been in a fight?
Some of the hobos try to defend themselves, and sometimes I have to struggle with them a little before I finally finish the job.

19. Have you ever sang in front of a big audience?
If "sang' is a euphemism for "jerked off," then yes, I've done it a bunch of times.

20. What ATTRACTS YOU TO THE OPPOSITE sex?
Titties.

21. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
Goddamnit, the last time I answered this question, I said that not everyone goes to starbucks all the time. Haven't you learned anything, fuckhead? God, you are so fucking stupid.

22. Do you have a crush on one of your myspace friends?
Only the dudes.

23. Ever had a drunken night in Mexico?
Why the fuck would I go to the worst country ever?

24. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Everyone has said that.

25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
I'm a fucking adult. That being said, I beat off to teletubbies daily.

26. Did you have braces?
No, I'm not a goddamned freak!

27. Are you comfortable with your height?
Not at all! I'm not short! Shut up!

28 Do you consider yourself adventurous?
I licked a girl's butthole. What do you think?

30. What's your favorite smell?
Hobo death.

Archived Blog Oct 19 2006

Thursday, October 19, 2006
This survey is for girls! Current mood: ditzy

1. Someone knocks on your door at 2 a.m., who do you want it to be?
Someone with a good fucking excuse.

2. Your boss tells you he/she will give you a $20 raise if you'll do your job naked, do you stay
and take the raise?
Twenty bucks an hour? Sure. Twenty bucks a year? Sure. Do I do my job naked now? Yup.

3. Put yourself in a nutshell:
Fuck you.

4. Ever seen a ghost?
Only abductees see ghosts.

5. Happy with your body?
Suck my cock.

6. A reason you would move to Iceland:
A. Because someone put a gun to my head.
B. Because someone paid me an inordinate amount of money.
C. To fuck Bjork.

7. A place you've lived that you miss:
I lived in Amsterdam for ten days. I miss the shit out of it.

8. A job you would never do, no matter how much you were paid:
Military.

9. A band/group you thought was cool when you were 13:
Stone temple pilots. They suck balls.

10. You have a nightmare, who's the first person you think to call?
No one, what am I, a pussy? Fuck you for asking that.

11. Wanna have kids before you're 30?
Nah, even if it means they'll be fucking retards.

12. A memory from high school:
I got suspended and I hate various teachers and headmasters. Earl J Ball III, Doc Coleman, Mr. Franek.

13. Ever had a crush on one of your friend's parents?
Not really.

14. Naughtiest thing you've done at work:
Myspace surveys.

15. Do you look more like your mom, or your dad?
I look like a combination of the two, you fucking idiot.

16. Something you've always wanted to learn how to do:
Become a killing machine.

17. Still friends with your exes?
Only the ones that don't hate me. Which is none of them.

18. Where you'd like to be in 10 years:
Named the world's #1 hobo-murderer.

19. Something you learned about yourself this year:
I have medical problems.

20. What do you want for your birthday?
Happiness and anal sex.

1. NAME THREE THINGS YOU DID TODAY?1) Woke up.2) Came to work.3) Took an enormous dump.

2. LAST ITEM YOU BOUGHT YOURSELF.
Weed.

3. DO U HAVE AN ORNAMENT HANGING FROM UR REARVIEW MIRROR?
I don't have a car, you fuck ass.

4.WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?
Coffee.

5. NAME A CELEB YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON:
Christina Fucking Ricci. I want to fuck her until she pukes.

6. NAME THE LAST THREE BANDS YOU SAW LIVE?
Radiohead, and some shitty friend's bands.

7. HOW MANY HOURS OF SLEEP DO YOU GET A NIGHT?
Seven to eight.

8. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TIED UP?
By terrorists. I escaped and killed them all.

9. WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU WERE DOING RIGHT NOW?
Sleeping, skiing, sailing, or being in Amsterdam.

10. WHOS THE FIRST PERSON IN UR PHONE BOOK ON UR CELL?
This random bitch I never fucked.

11. LAST TIME YOU WITNESSED A FIGHT?
When that strong hobo was struggling with me last night. Didn't help him out that much though.

13. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HAIR PULLED?
I'm a fucking dude, you idiot.

14. NAME THREE PLACES YOU WOULD LIKE TO TRAVEL TO:1) Amsterdam2) Japan3) Australia

15. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO ICE SKATE?
I can get by, but it's not something I specialize in. Oh yeah, fuck you!

17. NAME SOMETHING THAT YOU LIKE THATS OUT OF THE ORDINARY?
People shitting in my mouth. And hobo-murder.

18. IS BIGGER REALLY BETTER?
No! Shut up!

19. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF BRAD PITT?
He's a hot piece of man-ass.

20. Name a friend you have the most in common with?
What the fuck do you care?

21. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR TOENAILS?
Goddamnit, this is a fucking girl's survey, isn't it?

22. Last person you talked with on the phone?
This schizophrenic guy.

23. DO YOU OWN ANYTHING WITH A SKULL ON IT?
Yeah, my skeleton.

24. HAVE YOU TRAVELED TO EUROPE?
Yuppers. Amster-fucking-dam.

25. NAME THREE PEOPLE YOU WOULD TRUST WITH YOUR LIFE?
Jack Bauer, Spider-man, Bill Clinton.

26. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
The Departed. It was so good, I shat myself.

27. WHERE WERE YOU WHEN YOU HAD YOUR FIRST KISS?
A good friend's backyard with a slutty Spanish exchange student.

29. LAST BOARD GAME YOU PLAYED?
Something dumb

30. LEATHER OR LACE?
Suck my balls.

31. EVER HAD A BLACK EYE?
I gave myself one by accident on Nov. 2nd 2004. I was opening a wine bottle.

32. WHERE DO YOU RENT YOUR MOVIES
On demand.

33. HAVE YOU EVER WORN FISH NET STOCKINGS?
Goddamnit.

Archived Blog Oct 19 2006

This survey is fucking retarded. Observe. Current mood: creative

This is The Guilty Game. Next to the questions, put your answers as either guilty or innocent. Guilty if you have, innocent if you haven't. The number of guilties you have, is the number of years in prison you are sentenced to. Re-post with a headline stating how many years in prison you have....

1. Dated outside your race?
Guilty. Just once.

2. Gotten a hickey?
Guilty and then some.

3. Dated your best friend?
That's a big guilty right there.

4. Sung in the shower?
Guilty. Not singing in the shower is gay.

5. Spit in someone's drink?
Innocent! That's something that Hitler would do.

6. Dumped someone?
Guilty and then some.

7. Opened your Christmas presents early?
I'm Jewish you fucking Nazi. Innocent.

8. Lied to a friend?
Guilty again. I'm a horrible person.

9. Seen "The Goonies" more than 10 times?
Innocent. Not more than ten times. That movie's not even that good.

10. Had more than five REAL(over 4 months) bf/gfs?
Innocent, I guess. I've had a few though.

11. Played a computer game for more than 5 hours?
Guilty. Longer than that.

12. Ran through the sprinklers naked?
Fuck this bullshit question. Innocent.

13. Ate food that fell on the floor?
Guilty. I usually wipe food on the floor before I eat it to give it flavor.

14. Went outside naked?
Guilty. I've been outside naked before.

15. Flashed somebody?
No, I'm a dude. Innocent.

16. Mooned somebody?
Innocent on this one too. No one wants to be subjected to my ass.

17. Been on stage?
Guilty, like a billion times.

18. Made someone cry?
Guilty, like a trillion times.

19. Been in a parade?
Guilty, like ten times.

20. Been in a school play?
Guilty, like one times.

21. Drank a beer?
What, is this a trick question? I'm guilty.

22. Gotten detention?
Guilty on that one.

23. Been on a plane?
This is the 21st century, idiot. Of course I'm guilty.

24. Been on a cruise?
No, I'm not old or gay. Innocent.

25. Broken into a house?
Innocent.

26. Gotten a tattoo?
Tattoos are for faries. Innocent.

27. Gotten piercings?
Guilty as charged, bitch.

28. Cried so hard you threw up?
What? That doesn't happen. Innocent.

29. Gotten into a shouting match?
Guilty.

30. Been skinny dipping?
Guilty.

31. Spun yourself in circles to get dizzy on purpose?
Guilty. Every kid has done this, you fucking imbecile.

32. Laughed so hard it hurt?
What the hell does this cliché even mean? Fuck you! Guilty.

33. Tripped on your own feet?
Guilty.

34. Cried yourself to sleep?
Innocent. What, do I look like a suicide case?

35. Cried in public?
Guilty. I'm a puss puss.

36. Thrown up in public?
Oh yeah. Guilty.

37. Lied to your parents?
Oh yeah. Guilty.

38. Skipped class?
I've been to college, so Guilty.

Now put the number of guilty as years in prison: 25 years. This survey is fucking stupid. Why would I go to prison for being on an airplane?

Archived Blog Oct 9 2006

Monday, October 09, 2006
Stick your balls in my ass! Current mood: Chunky Category: Chunky Quiz/Survey

1. What's your favorite word?
Jon Benet Ramsey

2. What's your favorite food?
Pussy

3. What's your favorite drink?
The blood of the innocent

4. What's your favorite color?
Hot pink

5. What's your favorite city?
Atlantis

6. Who's your favorite actor?
Me!

7. What's your favorite band?
Radiohead, silly.

8. What's your favorite movie?
Porno

9. What's your favorite song?
German National Anthem

10. What's your favorite book?
Penis-transplants for Dummies

11. Who did you last kiss?
My hot girlfriend.

12. Where did you last sleep?
A dumpster.

13. When was the last time you cried?
I'm constantly crying.

14. When was the last time you rode a roller-coaster?
I don't know. Who cares?

15. What was the last movie you saw?
Porno!

16. What did you last eat?
A brownie from Fairyland.

17. When was the last time you flew?
In an airplane? Amsterdam. Uhhh… 3/2005.

18. Who was your last boyfriend/girlfriend?
Some supermodel.

19. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
My motherfucking hot girlfriend!

20. When was the last time you voted?
2004 General Election.

21. How tall are you?
Five nine and one quarter, dickshitter.

22. How old are you?
None of your goddamned business.

23. What do you do for a living?
Rich people pay me to let them shit in my mouth.

24. What do your parents do for a living?
My mother is a Cambodian sweatshop manager, and my father works in the sweatshop.

25. Are you single?
Usually I am, but not right now. I am, however, unmarried. So shove that up your ass.

26. Are you straight or gay?
I'm gay. Straight! I mean straight! Why would I say gay?

27. What was the last country you visited?
The Netherlands! Weed weed weed!

28. Where were you born?
Filthydelphia.

29. What were your first words?
"More peas."

30. What do you want your last words to be?
"Hey, who just shot me in the face?"

Archived Blog Oct 9 2006

I didn't really follow the rules on this one. Sue me, asshole. Current mood: Fatty Category: Fatty Quiz/Survey
You Can Only Answer yes or no
Body:
1. You can only say Yes or No!
2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages you and asks!
3. Repost this as the Yes/ No Game!
4. For Evan Jacobs only, he can answer in short form with hobo-related information.

Kissed someone on your top friends?
Yes, and then some. Although this isn't related to hobo-killing, I do have to supply a long answer because I hate playin' by the rules.

Danced in front of your mirror naked?
Yes, I get myself psyched up before I go out on the hobo-prowl.

Ever told a lie?
Yes. No, not really, I'm lying.

Tripped on mushrooms?
Oh yes.

Done extasy?
I've done ecstasy, if that's what you mean. I usually do it before a night of wild-animal hobo killing.

Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back?
Story of my motherfucking life.

Been arrested?
Big yes on that one.

Kissed a picture?
I've gone all the way with a picture.

Had sex at work?
Not straight sex.

Ran a red light?
No, and I've never littered or jay-walked either.

Been fired from a job?
Actually, no. I just get laid-off.

Sang karaoke?
Yeah.

Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
Everytime I murder a hobo.

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?
I don't laugh.

Kissed in the rain?
Yeah, so what?

Sang in the shower?
Yup.

Made love on a roof top?
No, are you fucking nuts? There are no beds or couches on rooftops.

You want me to fuck on tar?
Fuck that shit.

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
No, and anyone who would do that to be would surely be spending some time with my hobo buddies.

Broken a bone?
Yup.

Slept naked?
I've been awake naked too.

Blacked out from drinking?
No, I'm not a whore.

Played a prank on someone?
Yeah, I once told this hobo I wouldn't kill him. Ha!

Felt like killing someone?
Have you not been reading this survey?

Ever been madly IN love?
I've been in love with killing hobos.

Ever lost someone you loved?
I don't really love the hobos. It's more of a hatred.

Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry?
Only from severe beatings.

Had sex more than 6 times in one day?
I've never done anything more than six times in one day. Except crapped, maybe.

Had Mexican jumping beans for pets?
An inanimate object cannot be a pet, numbnuts.

Been in a band?
High school band.

Played strip poker?
No one wants to see me naked!

Donated Blood?
Oh yeah. Not always mine, though.

Video taped yourself having sex?
Remember what I said about strip poker?

Still love someone you shouldnt?
Maybe. Not sure on that one.

Like someone now?
My gf.

The recent person you liked has a girlfriend/boyfriend now?
Yeah, I'm her boyfriend.

Have a tattoo?
No, tattoos are stupid.

Ever cheated on girlfriend/boyfriend?
Nope.

Ever been cheated on by girlfriend/boyfriend?
Hell yeah, motherfucker!

Archived Blog Oct 4 2006

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

This time, a survey! Yay! Hail Satan!
Current mood: sick
Category: Quiz/Survey


What's the story behind your MySpace song?
The story is that I'm not a fucking douchebag, so I don't have a MySpace song. Was that a good enough story for you, you fucking nitwit?

2. What month were you born in?

June, the purest month. All other months must be eradicated.

3. Where do you live?

Harlem, where I'm needed.

4. What's in your wallet?

Federal Breast Inspector card.

Owl Wallet Light.

Several Saddam dinars.

Mucus.

The antidote.

5. Dream car:
A large back-hoe. Those things are awesome.

or

An RV! Those things are awesome.


6. What type of jewelry do you wear?
I am not a homosexual, goddamnit.

That being said, I have an industrial piercing. It is surgical stainless steel, the finest in the land.


7. What type of underwear do you wear?
A pink, lace, Victoria's Secret thong with a vibrator on the inside. Sometimes, instead of the vibrator, I use metal spikes.


8. What's your favorite book?

Where's Waldo

or

The Idiot's Guide to Murdering Hobos

9. What's your favorite movie?
Pornography: pick one.

or

I Killed a Hobo: A Killentific Hobomentary


10. What are wearing?
Oh! You're turning me on. I'm wearing an oversized foxy lady t-shirt. Underneath is a bra made out of two other bras. The left breast is an A-cup, the right is a C-cup. My underwear is basically toilet paper that is still stuck to me, and I'm wearing cut-off tuxedo pants. On my feet: shoe boxes. Are you hard now?


11. What are you wanting?

Besides no one to find that mangled hobo-corpse I deposited last night? Well, I want world peace. Just kidding. Fame and money will do just fine. Also, a six-pack would be nice.

12. The last thing you ate?

Besides the sweet nectar that is the flesh of a rotting hobo-corpse? A frozen semen-popsicle.

13. Something you are afraid of:
Besides not ever being able to kill a hobo again? I'm afraid of little school-girls.

14. Do you like candles?
Only when I'm cramming them into my poop-chute.


15. Do you believe in love?
Well, I love slaying homeless men.

16. Do you believe in sole mates?
First of all, shoes always come in two.
Second of all, fish fuck.

Third of all, I always thought it was a "soul-mate." But I think that "Sole-mate" makes more sense, don't you?

Fourth of all, suck my fucking cock!

17. Do you sleep naked?
What am I, a fetus?

18. Did you do well in school?

I'm smart, asshole. I didn't do well because I didn't feel like it. Not because I couldn't. Why don't you go fuck a dick?

19. Do you consider yourself a Democrat or a Republican?
Democrat. Republicans are evil pieces of shit that should be punished for their beliefs by being strapped to a rocket and fired into the sun.

20. Do you like tattoos?
Why would I like the stupidest thing ever?


21. What's something you wish you could understand better?
Nothing. I understand everything perfectly.


22. What's your take on Global Warming?

It's getting colder these days, so clearly, Global Warming is bullshit.


23. Do you have a bf/gf?

Like, a she-male? Seriously though, I have a girlfriend. Fuck you!

24. Got any plans for the weekend?
I gotta go to Coney Island on Saturday. On the other days, I need to get my life together.


25. Who do you most miss?
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi

This question is dumb.


26. What does your MySpace headline mean?
It means I'm not gay, faggot!


27. Elaborate on your default photo:

Even I don't give a fuck about my default photo. Get some hobbies, cockmaster.

28. Who is the first person on your top 8?
Jon Douglas. He's a queer.


29. What's your relationship with the people in your top 4?
Some are sexual, some go on hobo hunts.


30. What's your opinion of President Bush?
I don't think he's as dumb as every other dumbass thinks he is. He's certainly not a good president. But, he has never come down against hobo-murder.


31. What's your favorite country?
What the fuck do you think? USA! Second is the Netherlands. You can smoke weed legally there.


32. What's your favorite drink?
Three way tie between semen, urine, and blood.


33. What's your favorite food?

Besides the sweet, sweet flesh of a recently deceased bum?

Cheese fries.

34. Are you musically inclined?
Hell yeah, I am.

35. Which shoe goes on first?
Even if I knew the answer to this question, who the fuck could possibly care?

36. If you could go back in time, and change something....

Oh, you think you're so clever with the time travel question, don't you? Well, traveling back in time to change something would require that the future from that point play out such that you need to go back in time to change it. Otherwise, you would have no reason to go back and change it. That is, events in the past must lead up to your urge to change the past, thus, if you had changed the past, it would already be history, and the change would have already been made, and therefore, you wouldn't have to go back in time to change it. Therefore we have a paradox. Furthermore, quantum physics forbids it. So, chew on that, motherfucker!

37. Ever have a near death experience?

My whole fucking life is a near-death experience.

38. Name an obvious quality you have?

Big-cockitude.

39. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?

What? Are you implying that most people have songs stuck in their heads every waking second? 'Cause they don't. You should get that checked out, because it is most likely a brain tumor.

40. Favorite female celebrity:
Amy Sedaris is cool. Otherwise, this question is just as stupid as having a favorite female celebrity.


41. Favorite male celebrity:
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. This question is also stupid.

42. Name someone with the same birthday as you:
God


43. Do you have a crush on someone:
No, I just wanna fuck people.


44. Have you ever vandalized someone's private property?
Hell yeah, bitch!

45. Been in a fight?
Does ruthlessly and brutally murdering a hobo count as a fight?


46. Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?

Whatever… this survey is tiresome.

47. What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex?
TITTIES! TITTIES! TITTIES!


48. What do you usually order from Starbucks

Don't fucking assume I go to Starbucks, dickhead. God, you are such an asshole. I hope you die alone and painfully.

49. Say something totally random about you?

Here's something totally random: Suck my balls.

50. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?

The Culkins, Harry Potter, James Spader, Mr. Ed: Take your pick.

51. How old are you?
What a fucking stupid question. It's on my myspace page, you fucking imbecile.

52. Do you wear a watch?
Nope, gotta cell phone.


53. Do you have anything pierced?
My ear, goddamnit!

54. Do you have any tattoos?
No, they're retarded.

55. Do you like pain?
No one likes pain by definition! Pain is synonymous with suffering. Suffering is being in a situation that is not pleasurable, that you don't like. So, if I liked pain, it wouldn't be pain, now would it? God damn, you are so fucking stupid it blows my fucking mind.


56. Do you like to shop?
Sometimes.


57. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
Drugs.


58. What was the last thing you paid for with a credit card?
Drugs.


59. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?
Some receptionist cunt at my doctor's office.

60. What is on your desktop background?
A picture of my house. Fuck you!


61. Do you like redheads?
If they have vaginas, I do.


62. Do you know any twins?

Yeah, my balls.

63. Do you have any weird relatives?
What the fuck does this even mean? Goddamnit.


64. What was the last movie you watched?
The last three I watched were: half of alien versus predator, half of Friday the 13th six, and all of jackass two. All oscar winners.


65. What was the last book you read?
Please, enough with the questions. Just stop already.


66. Did you or do you go to college?
University of Chicago. What did I just say? No more questions!

67. What is your favorite pair of pants that you own?
Argh!! Some jeans, I don't know.


68. What is your favorite day of the week?
Listen, asshole, I don't have a favorite for every possible category. I don't have a favorite dog breed, I don't have a favorite knife manufacturer, I don't have a favorite pair of shoes, and I don't have a fucking favorite day of the fucking week!


69. What are you going to do after you answer this question?

Slit my fucking wrists.

Archived Blog Sept 28 2006

Thursday, September 28, 2006
Fermat's last theorem? More like Fermat's last QUEEREM!
Current mood: Satan-worshipy
Category: Satan-worshipy Quiz/Survey

So far, in 2006

1. Have you had more than 5 different serious relationships?
How serious can a relationship be if it's two months long? Dumbass. And yes, I have.

2. Have you had your birthday
Affirmative, butt-pipe.

3. Been to church?
God does not exist.

4. Cried yet?
Every time I watch "Sex and the City!"

6. Pulled an all nighter?
This isn't college, ass-monkey.

7. Drank Starbucks?
Unavoidable.

8. Went shopping?
No, I haven't spent any money in ten months, you fucking dipshit.

9. Been camping?
Camping's for jerks.

10. Been to the beach?
Actually, I haven't this year. Fuck the beach!

11. Bought something for over $200?
Oh yeah.

12. Met someone?
Yes, including the numerous hobos.

13. Been out of state?
Oh yeah.

14. Gone Snowboarding?
Do I look like Shaun White to you? Go fuck a cock.

[[Have you...]]

1. Hugged someone?
What? What the fuck kind of retarded question is this?

2.Slept in someone elses bed?
Hell yeah, playa!

3. Snuck someone over?
I'm 25.

4. Snuck out of your own house?
This survey must be for high-schoolers. I'm such a loser.

5. Gotten drunk?
I'm drunk right now.

7. Gotten a car?
Fuck this high-school question bullshit.

8. Gone over your cell phone bill?
My mommy pays for it.

9. Been called a whale?
Only when people are referring to my cock.

10. Drove somewhere?
Only while drunk.

11. Done something you regret?
Well, there was this one hobo I didn't murder… Maybe I'll find him again one day.

[[Lasts...]]

Last Thing you bought?
Weed

Last Person you hugged?
Hobo's corpse

Last Person to call you?
The gf

Last time you took a shower?
Labor Day

When was the last time you felt stupid?
Never happened.

Who was the last person you danced with?
Dancing's for faggots. That being said, my ex-boyfriend.

Who did you last yell at?
This cunt at my work.

What did you do today?
Worshipped Lucifer, prince of Hades.

TEN FACTS

01. Hometown:
Filthadelphia, loser.

02.Natural hair color?
Caucasian, dick.

04. Hair style
Long newscaster, bitch.

05. Eye color?
Green, motherfucker!

06. Height:
Five nine and one quarter, shit-eater.

07. Pets:
There are a few cockroaches, but I usually kill them before I can name them. Also, I kidnapped a gorilla from the Bronx zoo and put him in my closet. His name is coughy, cause he coughs a lot. It's cute.

08. Mood:
Wishing I were high and rich.

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

01. Have you ever been in love:
A few times.

02. Do you believe in love:
What the fuck did I just say? God damn you piss me off you dirty fuck-shit.

03. Why did your LAST relationship fail:
I wasn't attractive enough for her and a little too insane for her. Bitch.

04. Have you ever been heartbroken:
Fuck you.

05. Have you ever broken someone's heart:
Haha! Hell yeah, mothafucka! And then some.

06. Have you ever fallen for your best friend?
Just like a million times.

07. Have you ever loved someone but never told them:
I usually tell them.

08. Are you afraid of commitment?:
I'm not afraid of commitment at all! I am, however, afraid of commitment.

10. Have you ever had a secret admirer:
If it was secret, how the fuck would I know about it? What a retarded question.

TEN THINGS

01. Love or lust:
Love, then lust, then hobo-murder, then sleep.

02. Beer or liquor?
I like weed.

03. Night or day:
11:00pm to 2:00am is my time to shine, dick hole.

04. One night stands or relationships?
Relationships with one-night-stands in between. Yay promiscuity!

05. Tv or internet:
TV. This was a close one. I would die for both.

06. Pepsi or Coke:
Diet Pepsi. It's fabulous!

07. Wild night out or romantic night in:
Whatever. As long as I get high.

08. Black or white.
I hate black things! Especially people! White power! White power! That being said, black.

TEN EMOTIONS

01. Are you missing someone right now:
A bunch of people.

02. Are you happy?
Shut the hell up.

03. Are you talking to anyone right now:
I'm a deaf mute.

04. Are you eating:
Does a bucket of horse-semen count as food?

05. Are you german:
Fuck nazis!

06. Are you Irish:
Fuck the Irish. Potato eating drunks!

07. Are you French:
Fuck the French. Surrendering frog-eating smoking drunks!

08. Are you Italian:
Fuck the Italian. Mobstering murdering pasta eating drunks!

09. Are your parents still married?
Hell yeah, asshole! Fuck you!

10. Do you like someone right now:
Damn straight.

Archived Blog Sept 28 2006

Thursday, September 28, 2006
A survey! Hooray for change! Jew balls!
Current mood: Anti-semitic
Category: Anti-semitic
Quiz/Survey body:

The Dirty Thirty... 30 unknown facts/secrets about yourself:

1. In two words, explain what ended your last relationship?
Shallow grave

2. When was the last time you shaved your legs?
I pay Asian women to do that.

3. What were you doing this morning at 8am?
Worshipping Satan.

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Worshipping Satan.

5. Are you any good at math?
Better than you are, asshole.

6. Your prom night?
Well, I took this semi-attractive hobo, but she thought she was better than me. Needless to say, I ended the night by losing my virginity to a German Shepard.

7. Do you have any famous ancestors?
I'm Jewish, so, I don't know, what about… uhhh… Jesus! Motherfucker.

8. Have you ever taken out a loan to pay for school?
I've only ever taken a loan out to pay for sex.

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?
If I did, that would mean that I'd be a stupid asshole who puts a song on my myspace page. I resent the implication. Fuck you, bitch.

10. Last thing received in the mail?
Hobo Homicide Monthly

11. How many different beverages have you drank today?
If you count semen and urine, then two.

12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machines?
Fuck that. I don't talk to robots.

13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to?
Technically, third eye blind. But I lost my concert anal virginity to Billy Joel. He has a huge concert cock.

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Only when I have Down's Syndrome.

15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had?
When I brushed my teeth this morning. It turned out I was using a lemon zester instead of my toothbrush. Silly me!

16. What is out your back door?
The FBI. They listen to everything I say. Oh wait, I don't have a backdoor, assfuck.

17. Any plans for Friday night?
Friend's birthday party then some relaxing hobo murders.

18. Do you like the ocean?
That's gay.

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different kinds of popcorn for Christmas?
I don't live in a fucking Norman Rockwell painting, dickhead.

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium?
Hell yeah, playa!

22. Something you are excited about?
The feeling you get when you see the surprise on the hobo's face when you pull your knife out.

23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?
Goddamn, that's a gay question.

24. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
I was created in a laboratory.

25. Describe your keychain:
A fucking metal circle. This is the stupidest survey I have ever wasted my time on.

26. Where do you keep your change?
Up my ass, you penis-licking lesbian.

27. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
Last Wednesday. I bombed like the israeli airforce.

28. What kind of winter coat do you have?
What the fuck? Who gives a shit?

29. What was the weather like on your graduation?
It was retarded, much like this survey.

30. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
Closed. I'm not a goddamned baby.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


THE UNCOMFORTABLE SURVEY.
(lets see if you can get through it. if not, you're too scared about your past)

-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have told YOU that THEY love you?
About seven of the girlfriends and all of the boyfriends.

-Have you ever thought that you were going to marry a person?:
Well, I'm not going to marry a monkey.

-Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?:
Yes, you fucking fag.

-Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?:
Haha. Oh yeah.

-Are you happier single or in a relationship?:
I am usually less miserable in a relationship, cocksucker.

-Have you ever been cheated on?:
Twice, dickballs.

-What is your favorite thing about the opposite sex?:
Titties!!!

-Have you ever had your heart broken?:
Yeah. Thanks for the memories, you shit-eating baby-raper.

-Have you ever broken someone's heart?:
Haha. Oh yeah.

-Talk to any of your exes?:
Like, at a séance or something?

-If you could go back in time and change things with any of your ex's would you?:
I'd make them all hotter.

-Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?:
I'm a good boyfriend, but an even better girlfriend.

-Have you dated people who were not good for you?:
Yes. I can't even think of a joke this survey is so goddamned stupid.

-Have you been in an abusive relationship?:
If a woman talks back to you, you have to push her down a flight of stairs. It's not abusive. I resent the implication.

-Have you dated someone older then you?:
No, every person I date was born at the exact same minute as me.

-Younger?:
See previous answer, cockslit.

-Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?:
Everyone except for Jewish people and Black people.

-Believe in love at first sight?:
I didn't until I saw your mother's hairy twat.

-Do you want to get married?:
You already asked this question you fucking moron.

-Do you have something to say to any of your exes?:
You're welcome.

-Ever stolen someone's boyfriend or girlfriend:
Yes, literally. It's called kidnapping.

-Ever liked someone's boyfriend or girlfriend?:
You're a fucking idiot.

-Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds?:
Oh my god, this was the stupidest, gayest survey I have ever taken. Fuck you for making me waste my time like this. I want it back!

Archived Blog Sept 19 2006

Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Another Fucking Survey! Fuck you! Current mood: Hobo-Killy

Apparently the rules for this survery are that the answers must be two word descriptions of the word given.

1. Yourself:
Lindbergh Baby

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend (husband/wife):
Horny Slut

3.Your hair:
Unholy Mess

4. Your mother:
Stupid Bitch

5. Your Father:
Lovable Molester

6. Your Favorite Item(s):
Drugs Drugs

7. Your dream last night:
Trebek Fornication

8. Your Favorite drink:
Horse Semen

9. Your Dream Car:
Honda Civic

10. The Room You Are In:
Brothel Basement

11. Your Ex:
Dead Body

12. Your fear:
Black People

13. Where you want to be in 10 years:
Lohan's Vagina

14. Who you hung out with last night:
Murdered Hobo

15. What You're Not:
Wearing Underwear

16. Your Best Friend:
Drugs Drugs

17. One of Your Wish List Items:
Smaller Penis

18. The Last Thing You Did:
Killed Hobo

19. What You Are Wearing:
Leather Tuxedo

20. Your Favorite Weather:
Dumb Question

21. Your Favorite Book:
Where's Waldo

22. The Last Thing You ate
Horse Semen

23. Your Life:
Answering Surveys

24. Your Mood:
Tired, Poopy

25. Your body:
Next Question

26. What are you thinking about right now:
Next Hobo

27. Your Crush:
Justin Timberlake

28. What are you doing at the moment:
Eating Feces

29. Your summer schedule:
Kill Hobos

30. Who will answer this next?
My Cock

Archived Blog Sept 13 2006

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Here's a motherfucking survery, motherfuckers! Current mood: bitchy

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Master
2. Sire
3. Cunts

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Fear Itself
2. Homosexuals
3. Cunts

THREE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY:
1. Drugs
2. Homosexuals
3. Cunts

THREE THINGS YOU HATE:
1. Homosexuals
2. People with different skin color or ethnic background.
3. Bigots

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Solid Gold Toilet
2. Anal Beads
3. Scented Candles

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Condom
2. Mother's Bra
3. Father's Thong

THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE (OR SAME) SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Breasts
2. Vagina
3. Breasts

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Masturbating
2. Masturbating
3. Masturbating

THREE THINGS YOU WANT REALLY BAD RIGHT NOW:
1. One Hundred Million Dollars
2. Success
3. Bird Flu

THREE CAREERS YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. OBGYN
2. President
3. Hitman

THREE PLACES YOU WOULD GO ON VACATION:
1. Iraq
2. Jersey City
3. North Korea

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Have Sex
2. Meet My Parents
3. Assassinate a Foreign Leader

Archived Blog Jan 7 2006

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Holy Shit! I updated my blog!

The following introduction was written by Shaquille O'Neal several weeks ago.

Yo, y'all erver hurrd a introductions? This be Shaq. I'm gonna be using somma my introducing skillz to introduce this cat Evan. I was visiting this dude in NYC, and I gotta tell you, that city is whack. Last time I was there, everything was cool. Now, people be all pointing at yours truly and shouting "King Kong!" Listen y'all, Shaq is the king, but he ain't no damn gorilla. Dats racist. Besides, you put that punk-ass Kong in the court with me one on one, you know what's gonna happen. I got about two inches on that ape, and he ain't got no skillz. He'd be all traveling and goal tending and the ref would be all whistle blowing and I'd be all dunking and then you'd be all like "damn Shaq, you are the King and not the Kong!"

But anyway, back to the introduction.

Yo, y'all erver hurrd a gay-little pervert kidnappers? This dude Evan pulld a fast one on Diesel, which is me. We went out for a nice dinner on the town. He wanted to go to Magic Johnson's restaurant, but I was like "fuck that. He's a pussy. HIV wouldn't hurt me. I'd kick it's ass and use it. My eight-foot-tall black ass would be scoring 200 points a game. In fact, I might just go out and get HIV for that reason. Bottom line, y'all, I wouldn't quit the league and get all fat and round like magic. I ain't eatin' at no restaurant like that.

But anyway, back to gay-little-pervert kidnappers. Yo y'all, that gay little pervert kidnapped me. That's right! Me! Shaq! We go out for our nice dinner, and this dude is being all cordial to Diesel, no what I'm saying. And man, one thing leads to another which leads to us kissing. Evan was looking fly that night.

So this little dude asks me back to my place and I say, "sure, I'm Shaq. What could go wrong?" Well, I'll tell you what could go wrong. I could get kidnapped. And I did get kidnapped.So the dude and I are doing our business. You know, getting our respective freaks on. Then this gay little pervert throws this smelly rag on my face and the next thing I know, I'm sitting in a closet with my legs tied to my hands. First thing I think: "Kobe!" But it wasn't Kobe, it was that dude Evan.Now, don't get me wrong. That dude fed me my daily requirement. 300 pounds of wheat. 50 pounds of meat. 500 pounds of greens (mostly grass). And one Colt 45 cause Billy Dee is my boy. And shit, that gay little pervert even hooked me up with my favorite thing in the world: the icy-hot sleeve.

Eventually I, Shaq, remembered that I am a for real Genie. Remember that movie? So, I wished myself out of there, and then I wished up this introduction.

If this experience has taught me something, it's that I need to work on my three frows like a mug.

That being having been said, enjoy this homosexual Jewish man's new entry.

Shaq out.

Hey guys, it's me. Don't be confused, I let Shaq write the introduction. Just so you know, he doesn't know what he's talking about. I counted 600 pounds of greens. Not five. Whatever. Anyway, here's what's new with me since my last posting.

GRAD SCHOOLS!
I am currently applying to three graduate schools for Creative Writing in English. Want to know why? Cause I like going to school. And, when I teacher forgets to give out homework, I always raise my hand to make sure that he/she does. The three schools I am applying to are secret, but I will give you hints. One of the schools is the largest cocaine producing country in the world. Another is a prominent University of New York. The third rhymes with "The Bew School." Thinking caps on, kids!

COMEDY SHOW!
I have a comedy show coming up on January 20th. Come and see it! If you don't, you're gonna pay. Hear that, America?! You're gonna pay! Be there.

NEW YEARS!
It's totally a new year, and my resolution is the same as it always is. My new years resolution is to not die. Good luck with that one, Evan.

CYST ON MY FUCKING SCALP!
So I debauchedly wake up the other day after a debauched night of debauched debauchery, and guess what, there's this lump on the top of my head, and I have a headache. It's not a big lump, rather small really, but the difference between the bump and my normal head makes me feel that I look like Tom after Jerry whacks him with a mallet. My initial diagnosis is Brain cancer, but alas, that was not to be the case. Turns out, it's a goddamned cyst! Now I gotta get it removed. Shit.

RAVENS!
Ravens are the smartest bird. Go figure. Don't believe me? Look it up, asshole!

GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS!
After a veritable onslaught of women (some attractive, most not) I am again single, available, and lonely. Gimme a call (no fat chicks)! Although, in an interesting development, my ex-girlfriend (who doesn't want to go out with me!! seriously, what the hell is that about?) and I saw Spam-a-lot (As a Monty Python afficianado, I can say that it sucked), and then we discussed the fact that she doesn't ever want to go out with me again. Well, c'est la vie. At least I gave her her Harry Potter books back, cause I was this close to keeping them.

BORED OF WRITING THIS BLOG ENTRY!

You know why it takes me so long to update my blog? Cause writing a blog is FUCKING BORING! However, after this little break, I realize it is something I need to do, because when I don't write my blog, miners get crushed, pakistan gets earthquaked, terrells get owensed, 2005 get 2006ed, and everybody dies. Well, come back to life, cocksuckers!As an added bonus, I have a treat for you guys. That's right, the actual pictures of me and that fucking rat that bit me! Here you go!

This is the rat. Duh? Here's my hand on the rat! Awesome, right? Not disgusting at all! Right? Right? Hello?

Here's a picture that's completely different from the previous one!

This is me with my phone, about to get bit by the rat.

This is me, after I got bit by the rat! See how I'm holding my finger? See? Hello?!

Anyway, as an aside, the rat lived! You heard me right. The rat lived! More on that later.

Archived Blog Dec 12 2005

Monday, December 12, 2005

It's almost here!

Forget Harry.

Forget Kong.

Forget the Jesus lion.

Forget the israelis.

But don't forget to

BUCKLE THE FUCK UP!

Evan updates his blog, with special guest blogger Shaquille O'neal, soon!

Christmas 2005.

Be there.

Evan

Archived Blog Sept 14 2005

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry 9/11!

Hey everybody! Did you have a good 9/11 holiday? Mine was great. Santa came down and brought me a great gift: a negative result on my HIB test! No HIB for me! In your face, Rock Hudson! In your face, Magic Johnson! In your face, Greg Louganis! That’s right, I had an AIDS test this morning, and I don’t have the human immuno-deficiency birus! Now I can go sticking used heroin needles into my unprotected penis all I want! It was kind of fun, but I wasn’t able to be as humorous as I wanted because the guy who was asking questions of me was chinese, and his grasp of english was good, but not good enough to detect the sublteness of my statement “I did the nasty without a jimmy hat.” It’s funnier if whoever is saying that is wearing a tie at the time, as I was.

Below: This is me getting my HIB test. I don't know why, but in many photographs, I come out looking like a black woman. Incidentally, the man testing me was actually the ethiopian with whom I had anal sex after I found out that I was clean.

Ugh. I got horrible sleep last night. I don’t know what happened, but I ended up waking about every half hour or so. That sucks, you know? As usual, the best sleep I got was the last hour, which wasn’t even that good. Then I went down to get my HIB screening. Now I’m all groggy and trying to work, and it sucks, because I don’t even like to work when I’m well rested. Speaking of things sucking, I need to work on my grammar and vocab.

Now, a quick message about Katrina. Everyone should lay off the president! That’s right, give him some space. Give George Bush the benefit of the doubt. How could George Bush know that New Orleans was hit by a hurricane when he didn’t even know what a hurricane was? That’s right. It takes time to learn things. You can’t expect him to be some sort of hurricane genius moments after discovering the fact that they even exist. Also, how was George Bush supposed to know that the levees and floodgates wouldn’t hold up under the storms onslaught when he had never even heard of Louisiana? All tucked away down there, it’s not his fault he’s never heard of Louisiana or New Orleans. Get off his back! I think we should focus on what a good job Bush is doing given he is the first president with Down's Syndrome.

Below: George Bush during the hurricane, trying to remember where he had heard of "Louisiana" before. Poor little guy.

What’s the deal with ex-girlfriends? Mine’s acting like she doesn’t even want to date me anymore. What’s that about? Maybe she’ll change her mind if I keep leaving her text messages…

So, as a follow up to my last post, I have a weight-loss plan now. I am going to go on what is known as my dad’s slime diet. This will be a period of time where I will just drink these meal replacement shakes instead of eating anything else. I will lose all this extra weight and become king among men! While I do this, I suppose I will try to not drink, unless of course, Poontang is involved (Poontang is my cambodian friend who loves to hit the sauce!) Oh yeah, I will also drink if it might get me laid. I will keep you all updated about that crap.

Below: My friend Poontang! Isn't he adorable? That kid gets so much pussy.

Here’s a little thing that I think I should share. It’s my opinion on girls and the tattoos that they get above their ass-cracks. First of all, tattoos are stupid anyway. If you argue with this, you probably have a tattoo, and think you aren’t stupid. Well, you might not be stupid, but when you got the tattoo, you did something stupid, and now you have a stupid thing on you forever. Why are tattoos stupid, you ask? They are stupid for the simple reason that they are permanent. Anything permanent is stupid. Prove me wrong here. Also, tattoos just make you look like an idiot. You need at least three pairs of glasses to outweight just one tattoo! These tattoos used to be about individuality and rebelliousness. Now they are about trying to match clothing. It used to be like, “I’m gonna get a tattoo! That’s right! Screw my parents! Screw the government! Screw everybody! I’m getting a tattoo.” Now it’s like, “I’m gonna get a tattoo. That’s right! Screw Lisa! Screw Christine! Screw Julie! They keep making fun of me for not having a tattoo like they do. Well, let’s see who they make fun of now!” That’s pretty bad.

Below: A woman (slut) showing her lower back tattoo (slut camouflage) so she can attract a male that will fornicate her and hopefully, beat her.

Now, when I’m checking out these girls, I just can’t get their supposed thoughts out of my head. “Look at my tattoo. I’m so cool. I am so cool. I’m cooler than you. Look at my tattoo! Maybe this tattoo will make guys want me more. Yeah! I love demeaning my personality by getting one of these tattoos installed.” Why don’t you just become a prostitute so you can get paid for looking like a whore? Seriously, have some self respect. Don’t just get a tattoo cause you want to get fucked. Now, don’t get me wrong. More often than not, I do want to have sex with these girls who have these tattoos. But these tattoos are indicative of the exact type of girl who would never want anythign to do with me. That’s another reason I don’t like them. They all complain when a creepy guy like me is staring at their asses. What’s their problem? They lok at me, and they’re all like “what are you looking at, loser?” Listen, sister, I didn’t pour whiskey down your throat, give you genital herpes and force you to get a tatoo of an arrow pointing down that, underneath it, says “dick goes here.” You did that to yourself, honey. I’m not the one who molested you when you were eleven, ok? And don’t pretend you aren’t dressed like a whore. You know you are. You know exactly why you got that tattoo. You make me sick. Now, what’s your number? Now, a whole generation of girls are conforming to each other. This emans that, in sixty years, there’s going to be some funny stuff going on. Like a dad taking his son to see his grandmother. “What’s that symbol on Grandma’s butt?” “Well, that’s a swastika. Grandma hates the jews but loves cock.”

Below: I used to think this chick was cool. Now she's just another girl that I want to have sex with. Check out the tattoo up close; it's a Swastika!

Ok. That’s over. See, that wasn’t that bad, was it? It wasn’t that funny either, was it?Well, until next time, I’m Evan Jacobs. This is my blog.

Archived Blog Sept 9 2005

Friday, September 09, 2005

Sometimes You Feel Like a Big, Fat, Huge, Nerdy, Unattractive, Awkward, Creepy, Stupid Nut; Sometimes You Don’t.

Hey folks, suffolks, and norfolks. How’s livin’? Y’all be chillin’? Chillin’ like a villain? Or is you just illin’? Don’t speak that jive talk to me, young man! I’ll wash your dirty, little mouth out with soap. That’s better. Well, anyway, for all you folks, suffolks, and norfolks who read my blog, I will have a big, wet, juicy, sticky treat for you in a couple of weeks. That’s right, you guessed it! I am going to post actual pictures of the rat that bit me, and actual pictures of me, talking to it! Yay! There is a god! (Not really).

A note: If you look at my previous blog, I added a little message concerning the things I said about the mayor of Biloxi. Even though he probably is a jerk, I must rescind my comments about his usage of hyperbole, as now I realize that, if anything, it is only slight exaggeration. Next time, I should probably wait a little bit before putting my foot inside of my mouthular cavity. Of course, my utmost respect and hope goes out to those who were in some way victimized by Katrina.

This brings me to the subjects of my blog today. My fat, no-game-having ass and gentrification in the area in manhattan in which I reside, and then a little bit of baby stabbing.

So I went home last weekend, and, to my surprise, I found out that I am a fat, worthless, piece of shit, from my parents. They are right of course. When I was in high school, I went as low as 155 pounds (I think). Now I have ballooned up to an astonishing 325. That’s not all muscle weight. For a while, I was thinking that I would go for the Guinness record of worlds fattest man, because for someone like me, that’s much easier that going for world’s thinnest man. My metabolism is so messed up. Drinking water makes me fat! Breathing makes me fat! Exercising actually makes me fat. I’m totally screwed here. So some of you might be saying, “Who cares if you’re fat? It’s just more of you to love. Trust me, I’m an attractive woman and I love fat guys. I like thin guys too, so if you ever thin out I won’t leave you. Also, I have a PhD in astrophysics and I never wear panties.” If you are one of those people saying that, please come and meet me so I can have sex with your fine ass, woman. Yeah baby, you know you want it. That’s right, sugar. Aww, where you going, sweetie pie? You just gonna leave me like that, baby? That’s cool. That’s cool. Bitch.

Below: If only I could be this skinny again...

So, how am I unfattifying myself, you ask? Well, my fat dad gave me a bunch of his fat shakes so I can drink them and not be fat. That works ok when you don’t have twelve in a row. Also, I bought a lot of instant popcorn, which is really filling and fun to make. Also, I’ve been eating a lot of California condor meat, which is very lean. I wish dodos were still around so I could kill them all and eat them too. And, as usual, I work out. Of course, when I say work out, I mean I vigorously masturbate to punch-porn (porn where people punch people). That takes some calories. Then I cry in the shower, which also sheds a little bit of water weight. So, I am well on the way to losing some of this fat, lardy, fat, ugly, fat weight.

Above: The cat version of me. Below: The dog version of the cat version of me.

Ever since my ex-girlfriend and current almost hurricane Katarina dumped me, my sex drive has started to come back, and now I’m on the prowl again. So, expect an “I hate women” entry to occur sometime soon in this blog. My plan is thus. I’m too much of a fat fuck to even deserve a girl. I don’t deserve one. I don’t deserve to eat, I’m so fat. I don’t even deserve to not be fat. That’s how fat I am. After I unfattify myself, I will start my new girl campaign which will go something like this. I will talk to girls randomly in public until I’m not scared of it anymore. And, I will only talk to girls that are way out of my league. If that doesn’t work out perfectly, I will go back to craigslist, and download some new punch-porn. What about kick-porn, you say? Kick-porn is disgusting and is for perverts. You make me sick.

So I live in the Dominican Republic, otherwise known as Washington Heights. I heard the other day that there was this big anti-gentrification rally around my area. That’s right. The Dominicans want the white people out because that is their neighborhood! Yeah! Fuck the white people! Fuck the white people! Fuck the… wait a second… this stinks of extreme racism. Sure, white people are evil, but not all of them. It is unbelievable to me that the Dominicans wouldn’t welcome people living in their area with open arms. After all, white people did found the city. Show some love. And then they mask this whole thing with the term Anti-Gentrification, which should actually be called, Anti-White-People-We’re-Jerks. That’s all I have to say about that shit.

Below: A man who definitely makes more money than me and is happier in his life. Leave me alone, you bastard! God, I wouldn't want to live there if the rent wasn't so cheap. The apartment sucks anyway.

So, a baby got stabbed about a block from my apartment by a man who lives less than two hundred feet from me. Shocking, right? That baby must have said something really awful to piss that guy off. Maybe the baby owed him money. Maybe the baby was just crying. The problem with that is that you don’t get a baby to stop crying by stabbing it, although it is a feasible option. Here’s the secret. If you want to stop a baby from crying, shake the living shit out of it. Just shake it and shake it and shake it like a yoo-hoo until the baby stops. That’s what responsible parents do. Only if this technique doesn’t work do you then stab the baby. If that fails also, a surefire but expensive way of calming the baby down is gently rocking it while at the same time detonating a nuclear bomb and point-blank baby range. That’ll shut it up. It the baby is still crying, then it’s Harry Potter.

Below: What a cute and--most importantly--quiet baby! The original poster had twenty-seven "NEVER"s on it, but they thought it was a little too much. I disagree.

Well, that’s my crappy forced out blog entry for today. Good luck to Shaq and all the people affected by Katrina. I send my love (but no money).

Archived Blog Aug 30 2005

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

I Must Be the Dumbest Person in New York –or—I Love My New Bubonic Plague!

The following statements in red were written before I knew the extent of the destruction in Katrina's wake. Please forgive me if you are offended:

First, let me start off by saying that I wish all the best to any of the people who were harmed or inconvenienced because of Hurricane Katrina (not to be confused with Katarina, my ex-girlfriend, who did not produce nearly as much rainfall). I hope that New Orleans and surrounding regions will pull out of this with minimal loss of life and property. That being said, here’s a quote I read in the New York Times from some asshole:

“‘This is our tsunami,’ Mayor A. J. Holloway of Biloxi, Miss., told The Biloxi Sun Herald.” -www.nytimes.com

Oh really, Mayor? This is your tsunami? I can see that. I stubbed my toe the other day, and it was my holocaust. And then, a few days ago, I got a paper-cut. It was totally my extinction of the dinosaurs! No, mayor, this is not your tsunami. Ok? Do you want to know what your tsunami is? The fucking ACTUAL tsunami! Don’t compare one of the worst natural disasters in history that will take decades to recover from with this hurricane. I know the hurricane is bad, but the tsunami killed hundreds of thousands. By making this off-the-cuff comparison, you are dishonoring those who died in the tsunami, you fat ugly bastard (for the record, I have no idea what you look like). Mayor A. J. Holloway (the A. J. stands for “a jackass”), the tsunami wasn’t just for the people of India et al.; it was the world’s disaster. I know you’re upset about the hurricane, but don’t go around saying dumb stuff like that, ok? Ok. I’m sorry for yelling. I know. No, no. It’s not like that. Yes, I like you. I don’t know why she did that. Don’t worry, you’ll find another one. There are plenty of fish in the sea… Of course I think you’re attractive! Not in a gay way, but… Fat ugly bastard? Oh yeah. I was just kidding, I said I didn’t know what you looked like in the parenthetical statement following it. Just relax. Ok. Cool. Well, listen, I gotta go… Ok. Ok. I’ll call you. Bye Mr. Holloway!

Now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for:

The Story of the Rat.

So, on Friday night, I saw my friend do a sketch show with my other friend Joe Powers. I was not toxicated at all (meaning I was intoxicated), so, after getting a number of a rather cute girl, Joe and I left the show to go back to our respective homes. Are you following me so far people? I’ll stop telling this story right now if I think… ok… that’s better. Anyway, we were walking along the sidewalk when I heard a high-pitched squeal. I looked behind me, but I couldn’t see anything. The squeal continued, so I looked down at the trash can behind me to find a rat in it. Now, this was one of those woven metal trash cans, and the rat had gotten himself stuck in one of the interstices, so its torso, front paws and head were hanging out the can, and its pelvis and back legs were still inside it. Apparently its pelvis was not big enough to fit through the hole. It was screaming bloody murder. I had to try to rescue it.

Ok, now I know what you’re going to say: You wanted to rescue a rat? What the hell is wrong with you? Here’s what’s wrong with me. I am a compassionate human being who cares for his fellow mammals be they human, rat, or sometimes platypus. I wasn’t about to leave this poor rat to die without at least trying to help it. Besides, rats are cute. Just take a look at this picture!

Below: This is painfully cute.

So I began the rescue operation. I put my hand inside the trash can and tried to nudge the rat out of the hole. I was attempting to push his pelvis through or find some way to get it through (the thought that I should have pulled it did not occur to me until much later on when it was too late.) The pushing didn’t work, unless my intended plan was to piss the rat off. The whole time I pushed, it was trying to bite me, but wasn’t able to because of the wire metal walls of the trash can (imagine having your legs stuck in a manhole and trying to scratch your feet). Then, when this didn’t work, I talked to the rat a little bit, asking it how it even got stuck in the first place. The rat didn’t answer. Up until now, my actions have not been stupid. That was soon to change.


Below: The rat was caught in one of those diamond shaped holes toward the bottom of the receptacle. This may or not have been the actual trash can in question.

I noticed that the rat’s front was flopping around, trying to pull himself out of this hole. I thought that, if he had more leverage out of the hole, he would be able to pull his back legs out. The way to achieve this would be to put my finger under his stomach to give him that support. So, in my infinite stupidity, I decided to execute this action. As I moved my hand in, I thought, “he’s gonna bite me if I do this.” Even then, I continued on. Guess what happened. Seriously: guess. That’s right. He bit me. He bit me on my middle finger very lightly, breaking the skin in one small place where a drop of blood began to form. This was arguably a lesser wound than popping a pimple. However, pimples don’t carry the bubonic plague. When he bit me, I grabbed my finger, looked up at Joe and said, “that’s not good.” He immediately began to laugh at me and called me an idiot. I had no argument for this and frankly agreed with him. I then talked to the rat for about five minutes straight before deciding to give up on the little bastard. I felt bad walking away from him, but it was a lost cause. I got bitten by a rat for nothing. I hope he survived.

Below: An actual photograph of the actual rat who actually bit me.

The next day was the bad part. My brother told me at length how Rabies, gone untreated and once the symptoms have started, is uncurable. Furthermore, it melts your brain. That’s not the way I intend to go out, ok? So I was scared, but then after a little bit of internet research, I was able to ascertain that rats almost never carry rabies and that I should use orbitz for all my travel needs. So I don’t have rabies. But what about the plague? Well, rats have been known to carry the plague, but for some reason, I doubt that I have it, although it still exists. Whodathunk? Then I went online to look at the diseases rats carry. All of them were just various forms of bacteria that didn’t even have cool slang terms. If they don’t have common everyday slang terms for them, I’m not scared of them. I'm not scared of them for the same reason I’m scared of AIDS but not of acquired immuno deficiency syndrome. That syndrome will never get me! AIDS will take me out way before that syndrome will.

And thus is the tale of how I was bitten by a New York City rat that was inside a trashcan. A feat accomplished by well under 250 people a year in this city. Most of these 250 are babies, elderly, and homeless people. I would assume that the ones like me most often get bitten when they’re not expecting it. I however, am dumber than all these chumps. I’m the dumbest of them all, because I knew he was going to bite me and I put my hand in there anyway. I'm the dumbest! Number one! Unfortunately, and this is for a later discussion, it seems that the rat bite might turn out to be much more pleasant than trying to call this girl who’s number I got right before this incident.

Until next time, I’m Evan Jacobs.

This is my blog.

Archived Blog Aug 24 2005

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Women: Can’t live with em, can’t take away their right to vote, round them all up, and keep the most attractive as a reusable breeding population.

Greetings, people of Earth (Hi Chris! What up Makeen? Yo Azubah! What’s the hizzy Angela? Hello, Mother and Father. What the fuck is up all the rest of y’alls?) So, today, the title of my post is in reference to women. So, today’s post is kind of about women too. Hillary Clinton’s a woman, right? Ok. I love Hillary. I want her to be president. She is a great person and an example for us all. I would rather die than have her even slightly inconvenienced. She is a goddess. That being said she has stupid ideas about one thing: vidja games. That is the true subject of my post today: vidja games and the violence therein.

There is a debate in this country about vidja games that is raging all across our nation, from Maryland to Washington DC. People are saying that vidja games breed violence and ignorance. I would like to respond to this, first sarcastically:

Wow! Video games cause so much violence! It’s incredible. Why, just the other day, I was playing a Star Wars game. I turn it off and go to the supermarket. When I’m in the supermarket, there was this Twi’lek walking around, and I totally took out my lightsaber and killed him. People started screaming, but I didn’t see what was wrong. “He was a Sith!” I said, but people didn’t think that I had any right to kill that alien like that. Seconds later, a band of five ewoks came up to me and drew their spears. I tried to argue with them that a good Sith is a dead Sith, but they didn’t back down. With another quick flick of my lightsaber, I cut down this group. To say the least, the Gristedes staff, after taking a quick glance at the limbs and appendages on the floor, thought that this was inappropriate behavior. So, they called the cops. And guess what? One of the cops was a dirty Twi’lek. I hate Twi’leks!



Above: A Twi'lek. Below: A Lego Twi'lek. I hate them!



To make a long story short, I had to kill them all with my lightsaber again. A few minutes later, I was sitting on top of a bleeding heap of arms, heads, legs, and torsos, and I reflected on what I had done. Why? Why did I kill all those people? Then I remembered: the video game! The video game had taught me to be racist toward Twi’leks. It taught me that a lightsaber was a fun toy, and not a dangerous weapon. It also taught me that the life of a Jedi is one of battle and not sacrifice. But those aren’t the values I’m supposed to be learning. I never thought I’d use my lightsaber for evil! It’s just a damn shame. But, I’m happy to say, today I gave my lightsaber to a nice homeless man. He will have better use for it than I.

But if you think that’s it, you are far from absolutely correct. I used to play Mario Brothers, and in that game, if you eat a star, you become invincible. Now, because I was an impressionable youth, I thought that I would eat a star. Well, here’s something you didn’t know. Stars are big. I wasn’t able to finish that thing in one day! It took like three days! It was stale at the end and hardly appetizing, but I wanted to be invincible, damnit! That’s not all, though. I’ll bet you didn’t know that stars are really hot. I was blowing on this thing so much, and it still burned. I don’t think I have any tastebuds left because some jerk decided to go nuts with the hot sauce. The whole time I was eating that star, I had a glass of water in my right hand. And here’s another thing you didn’t know about stars. They are far away! To get to that star, I had to have my mom drive me for hours! Seriously, hours! I’ve never driven so far for food before. And guess what? When I ate the star, all the planets surrounding it were cast off into space, surely to be destroyed. I kind of feel bad about this because one of the planets definitely had a civilization on it (they gave me the diet coke to wash the star down) and I just killed them all. And then, worst of all, eating that infinitely heavy and large ball of gas didn’t make me invincible. In fact, it gave me horrible, explosive diarrhea. Needless to say, it took more than one trip to the bathroom.

All this just bolsters Hillary’s point. Kids always act out video games. In fact, there was no violence before video games. Video games caused all of it. What? World War II? I can’t hear you! LA LA LA LA LA LA! As I was saying, before video games, we lived in a utopia. Then, Pong ruined us all. The violence displayed in Pong gave the American public an unquenchable blood-lust and an enjoyment of suffering. All video games should be censored! In fact, all video games and systems should be taken off the market, burned, and blasted into the sun. Then, all the people who play video games should be burned and blasted into the sun. Then, the earth should be blasted into the sun to erase the horrible Pandora’s Box that is video games from the universe.

Ok, now non-sarcastically:

The argument is such: Some video games (like grand theft auto) glorify violence, crime, and misogyny. I agree with that. These video games let children play out fantasies of murder, rape, and drug usage. I also agree with that. These children then live out their video game experiences in real life. I also agree with… wait. That’s bullshit! Here’s my argument, and we can start with GTA.

Grand Theft Auto
This game is the center of all controversy because you can play as a villain, and you get points for immoral actions. Recently a man was arrested because he killed three police officers and stole a cop cruiser apparently acting out a scenario from the game. You know what? I believe he was acting out a scenario from the game. I also believe that this man was a complete psychotic, and if he hadn’t ever played video games, he still would have probably caused violence on this scale. “No,” says Hillary Clinton. Without that video game, this man would be a Buddhist monk. Violent people are going to be violent no matter what happens. Not a good enough argument? Well, here’s this one. The Grand Theft Auto series debuted around ten years ago. It’s not recent. Ten years ago, the graphics were much more primitive, but the point of the game was the same. You were rewarded for killing innocent people. Where was Hillary then? And another thing, movies and television glorify murder and rape, but then again, so does everyday life! You watch the daily news and you have murder and rape stories. Maybe we shouldn’t show the news anymore. And another thing: It’s mostly adults who are playing these video games. You see, there aren’t any little kids playing GTA without the express permission from their parents. Who’s gonna buy the video game anyway. But, the bottom line is much more simple.

My whole life, I’ve been hearing that violence in the media begets violence in real life. Although I cannot quote any actual studies about this, I know that this has simply never been proven. In fact, in my eyes, it has only been supported by acts of psychos and criminals who have had previous arrests and reenact a video game much like a copycat murderer will reenact a homicide. There used to be a time when there weren’t video games. There used to be a time when there weren’t movies. Back then, people complained about how sexy and violent books were destroying society. Books! The fact of the matter is that violent people will be violent no matter what stimuli they have. Normal people do not become murderers. I don’t care how many times you’ve seen “Saving Private Ryan.” Murderers become murderers, nothing more, nothing less. Murderers come up with excuses for murders, like “the devil told me to do it” or, “I played it in GTA,” but the fact of the matter is that those two excuses are interchangeable. GTA does not cause people to murder other people. If anything, people with murderous tendencies are able to alleviate them by playing these games. Instead of killing someone for real, they can do it in a video game, where no one really gets hurt. It’s not like kids who play Grand Theft Auto don’t know about killing people. The game is not introducing anything to them. It is merely reflecting the society in which we live. Also, has anyone pointed out that the cops can and will kill you in this video game? Wouldn’t the kids notice this? I’m sorry this post isn’t as funny as more recent ones. I will try to spice it up with this: Monkeypenis!

Yay

Evan

Archived Blog Aug 22 2005

Monday, August 22, 2005

People or Things That Deserve to Have an Upside-Down Helicopter Fall on Them

Greetings everybody. I notice that no one has been commenting on my blog entries (except diesel). That’s ok. I like doing all of this work for nothing. I love it when people don’t care about what I have to say. Being ignored is so awesome. So keep it up, people. Stop visiting this page and reading what I wrote. I just spend hours on it, why should you waste precious seconds reading it? Oh, what, because you’re my friend? Friends are for the weak. All of my friends are actually just benign enemies. Anyway, please stop commenting on my blog, because I don’t write a blog to have it read, I write it to waste my goddamned time. Anyway, keeping with the theme of this intro, today’s subject will be things that I hate. Obviously, there are going to be things that I hate that won’t be mentioned, so I’ll get to them in the sequel. Here they are.

Youfemizzums:

Well, not all euphemisms, but one in particular. I once knew this girl who, after learning that a friend/acquaintance had died the day before in a car accident, called up another friend to break the news. She spoke of the deceased girl and said that the girl had “passed away” yesterday. Then she told me how this is like the eighth friend to “pass away” in a car accident in her life. Yeah, he passed away in a car accident. Just like all those Jews passed away in the holocaust, right? Or remember when Kennedy passed away after he was SHOT IN THE HEAD?!?! Here’s the deal. Girl, it’s sad that your friend died, but she didn’t pass away, she got killed! She fucking died! She got killed in a car accident. She didn’t pass away as if she was a hundred years old and died in her sleep, she was crushed to death in a car! And if you keep misrepresenting and frankly insulting the dead, you deserve to have someone pass you away! Have respect for your friend. Tell them what actually happened. She didn’t pass away! You at least have to be in bed to pass away, at least!! You’re going to offend people with this soft, pussified language. For example, wasn’t it sad when those 3000 people passed away on 9/11? No, it wasn’t sad because IT NEVER HAPPENED! They didn’t pass away, they died! And using the term “passed away” makes you almost as bad as the terrorists themselves. Come on Americans, stop lying to yourselves and get a grip.

Aksents and Bad Pronunseeayshun:

This is a much larger category of things that I hate. Because, first of all, there are many accents that I love where I think the pronunciations are much better. However, there are just too many that I hate to ignore them. Today we will go over just a few examples. I hate it when people say “sore” instead of “saw.” “Yeah I sore him. He was holding a hacksore and I also sore a sore on his jore which was a real appearance floor. He was somewhat of an enigmore. Then I sore him break a lore and then he bought tickets to Panamore. Then I ate sushi and that fish was really roar!” What could be worse than that, you say? I’ll tell you. You’ve all heard it before. It’s become infamous. Say it with me folks! People who say “axe” instead of “ask.” Come on, people! Just say ask! Is it that hard? Is this a country full of dyslexic morons? These people can say “ask.” I know they can. I’ve never heard someone say “my favorite state is Alaxa.” I’ve never heard someone say “I loved Jim Carrey in ‘The Max!” Are you kidding me, people? You know how to spell, right? You can say a three letter word correctly, right? No one says “how” instead of “who.” I refuse to believe that the people who say “axe” don’t know how to spell “ask.” They have to. If they were all illiterate, well, then I would under—ok, that would still be bad. But come on! Can’t you see that the fucking “s” comes before the fucking “k?” The rule is not “’s’ before ‘k’ except after ‘a.’”

Elevator Doors:

There’s another strange phenomenon that makes me see red. I’ve only encountered this twice, but both times, my head actually exploded. Both times I was waiting behind someone to enter an elevator. The elevator door opened. People got out. After that, I was all ready to go inside the elevator, cause that’s what I usually do when people leave the elevator. Then the doors start closing, and I think, uh oh, I’d better get in there to block the doors from closing, cause I don’t want to miss my elevator. So, the jackass in front of me puts her hand in the doorway, but then removes it when she loses her nerve, thinking that the elevator was going to crush her hand, and then I missed the goddamned elevator. This has happened twice. How can people be this stupid? Did I miss some news report about someone who died being crushed in an elevator door? Has that ever happened? Have they ever made an elevator without these safety mechanisms? Jesus Christ, people. Here’s what I figure. The woman who was too afraid to put her hand in the elevator door was named Helga Visselgoth. She used to be a Viking, but was then frozen somehow. Years later, she was unfrozen somehow. Then she got a job in my building, and decided to use the elevator. She had heard many stories about these wonderful machines of the future, but had never seen one. And, because of her very bad experiences when she first encountered television (she kicked the TV thinking there were demons in it and accidentally electrocuted herself), alarm clocks (when the alarm went off, she had just come out of the shower and she crushed it in her hand, electrocuting herself), and the internet (she accidentally downloaded gay porn instead of straight porn, electrocuting herself), she was wary about the elevator door. So, as the door closed, she thought that maybe she would be brave by trying valiantly to sacrifice her own arm for a spot in the elevator. However, her nerves gave out and cowardice kicked in, and she withdrew her arm, shaking and crying. I consoled her on the floor as she wept, holding her like she was my child. I told her that everything would be just fine. Our eyes met and our animal instincts took over. We kissed like two lifeguards giving each other mouth-to-mouth, and then we dropped to the floor together in passion, making sweet love for hours. It was a beautiful experience. But seriously, what a moron.

There are so many more things that I hate, but I am getting really tired of writing this blog entry. I will have another one down the line so I can share more grievances with you. Til next time, I’m Evan Jacobs.

Archived Blog Aug 15 2005

Monday, August 15, 2005

Grizzly Man is Stupid

Before I start this blog, I have been asked to clean it up by unamed sources that may or may have not impregnated my mother with half my genetic material. So, there will be no more references to… well… it will just be clean from now on. Besides, scatological humor just isn’t funny. I guess. Let’s see how this goes.

So there’s this new documentary called Grizzly Man. It is about a man named Timothy Treadwell. I watched a primetime live segment about this movie. It was, to say the least, very interesting. Timothy Treadwell decided that he could live amongst the Alaskan grizzly bears without knowing anything about them, and could do so for months at a time. Surprise surprise, he got killed by a bear. So, they made a movie about it. This idiot loved being in front of the camera and loved being with those damn grizzly bears. He took his girlfriend with him when he died, and she got eaten as well, which was a shame because she was attractive. It’s all very sad, but not very tragic. Horribly, the death was recorded on the camcorder’s audio because the cap had been left on. Timothy’s friend owns the camcorder, and also the recording. Only three people in the world have listened to it, and each say that they will never forget it because it is so horrible. I find that disturbing. So, where do I come into this? As a comedian I know said, “my job is too reach into the tragedy and sorrow and sadness and pull out the happy!” So, I will write a quick audio play here called “Death of a Dumbass” which is my interpretation of the last recording of his life.

“Death of a Dumbass”

Timothy: Ok, are we recording?

Girlfriend: Yup.

Timothy: Ok, is the lens cap off?

Girlfriend: Yup.

Timothy: Are you sure?

Girlfriend: Yeah, I’m not stupid.

Timothy: I know you’re not. I was just asking. Ok. As you can see ladies and gentlemen, sitting behind me is a huge, disgruntled grizzly bear. Don’t worry though, I’ve given him a name. His name is Apricot. Now, I am going to attempt to pet Apricot on the nose.

Girlfriend: Are you sure that you want to—

Timothy: Please. I have done this before. I know what I’m doing. Now, you’ll see he’s growling ferociously and standing on his back legs while I move my hand towards his gaping, drooling mouth. This is perfectly normal. Now, you see that as I put my hand on his nose, he will ever so gently… Um… He ate my hand.

Girlfriend: Oh my god! Are you okay? You’re bleeding all over the place. We should get out of—

Timothy: Honey, please. Ok? Just shhh… Nothing to worry about now. I’ve had my hand eaten plenty of times, all I have to do is retrieve it with my other hand. I know this bear, and I know he would never purposefully hurt me. Would you, Apricot? Now, watch how delicately I insert my left hand into his mouth to retrieve my missing right ha—Ok then. He ate my left hand too.

Girlfriend: Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. We need to get you to a hospital.

Timothy: Can’t you see I’m doing my show? Keep it down! Ok. So Apricot got a little excited. Honey, put the camera on a tripod and come over here. I need your help.

Girlfriend: But the bear, he looks—

Timothy: DO IT!! God, you are so annoying.

Girlfriend: Ok. But only because I trust you and I love—

Timothy: SHUT UP AND GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!!

Girlfriend: Hi, everybody at home. Here I am with my boyfriend and his favorite bear, Apricot. Hi apricot. It looks like you got something of my boyfriend’s. Let me just—

Timothy: Uh oh. Well, as you can see, ladies and gentlemen, bears love eating girlfriends. But don’t worry, because I’m not worried either. Sure, I have two bloody stumps instead of hands, but who doesn’t? I will get my hands back yet. Umm.. and maybe my girlfriend, but I was getting sick of her anyway, and I— Ok! You want to play? Eh Apricot? Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see here, Apricot has accepted me as his friend and is now playing a game with me. He seems to think that I have a present for him in my stomach. Oh, you silly bear, those are just my intestines. Ok, eat ‘em all up, I know you’re hungry. Don’t worry ladies and gentlemen, if I could count on one hand the amount of times I’ve had my intestines eaten, well, I’d still have a hand, now wouldn’t I? Ha! Now, you see that Apricot is being very friendly and gnawing on my neck. Don’t leave a hicky, Apricot! Now, the red substance that he is removing is my jugular. Don’t be alarmed, ladies and gentlemen, I—wait. Is that. Oh no, is the lens cap still on the camera? The lens cap is on. The lens cap is on!!! No!!! Oh God!!! No!!! There’s no visual!!! No!!! Help!!! No!!! Women don’t understand technology!!!

END SCENE

Those are, as far as I can predict, the audio of the last moments of Timothy’s life. I will see y’all next blog entry.

Archived Blog Aug 4 2005

Thursday, August 04, 2005

The Three Most Important Things In Real Estate: 1. Location. 2. Location. 3. Sperm-Dripping, Ethiopian Dicks.

Hello Evanites, how is my powerful army doing? The great. I am so proud of all of you continuing to be my minions and fighting for me. What? Ted came back late from lunch? Shoot him in the head! Let that be a lesson to the rest of you lazy bastard Evanites. Fucking around is something that I do not participate in.Update: Many of you might be asking, "what's with all the gay sex stuff?" Well, for some god-only-knows reason, I have decided that I want my blog to be first pick on your search engine when you--and you know who you are--search for your nightly dosage of gay sex. So, let the floppy, blood-covered, penis-party commence! Spread your anuses everybody! It's time to see what's going on in Evan's life.

DUMPED!!!

Well jizz on my face and call me Casper The Jizz-Loving Friendly Ghost. I got dumped!! Most of you aren't aware that I even had a girlfriend. Well, scroll back through my blogs until you get to the last time I broke up with someone. Yep. That's it. Ok, close your eyes and now use your imagination and visualize a universe in which I pretty much got back together with the girl immediately and have been going out until three days ago. Open your eyes! Your imagination has created reality! I got dumped on monday. She said she got into the relationship too fast after a five year relationship and maybe it was a mistake. That's fine with me though, I wanted to die alone anyway. Well, we're still going to try to be ejaculating schlongs. I mean, friends.

POTTERED!!!

I've started reading the Harry Potter books. It turns out (although I am only in the beginning of the second book) that they are excellent. They are about a young, gay wizard named Harry Potter who is famous for surviving an attack from the evil gay wizard Voldemort which killed his parents. The only thing he has to remember his parents and this event by is a large penis shaped scar on his penis. When he goes to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Gay Wizardry, he learns to use his magical wand (penis) to magically shoot out smaller penises that, in turn, blow their loads on his gay enemies. Harry has two friends. Ron Weasly, whom he regularly sodomizes, and Hermione Granger, with whom he regularly discusses how he is disgusted by the thought of even hugging a woman. You should give it a read. I liked the first book so much that I actually ejaculated feces!

FIRED!!!

I'm not sure if I talked about this before, but I have devolved to my natural state of not having a job. I was laid off from my previous job for two reasons. The first reason is that they ran out of legal documents for me to code. The second reason is that the company is run by jew-killing, black-hating, Osama-bin-Laden-cheering, stem-cell-research-restricting, anti-flag-burning, "friends"-watching, wife-swapping, penn-charter-loving necrophiliac nazis. Now I am looking for a new job. Maybe something in retail. I love retail. It really makes me feel like a semen covered scrotum.

LAZIED!!!

I am working on comedy, ok? It is still my dream to be a comedian. The only problem is that people don't always laugh when I tell jokes. My dad suggested that I should go to a speech therapist, which I would love to do. I'll make sure to find one when I start vomiting money. Until then, I'll just have to handle it by myself. Also, I have been thinking about going to special skit writing classes later on. I will keep you updated about it. Other things I need to do? Let's see. I need to: Learn how to use my dell axim. Finish some books. Learn how to use filemaker pro. Find a new girlfriend. Write some new jokes. Gain the urge to run again. Lose some weight. Eat better. Wake up earlier. Spend less money. Kill the president of mozambique. And just get my shit together. I'm working on it, ok? Get of my fucking homosexual back!

IN CONCLUSIONED!!!

At this point, I am rather tired from typing. The head of my penis is red and swollen from all the key strokes I have made and I won't even tell you how annoying it is to hold down the shift button with my balls. Until next time, don't spew your hot sticky wad onto the face of anyone you have known for less that three hours. It's just not appropriate. See you next time, Evanites. Sorry, Ted.