Archived Blog Jul 8 2005

Friday, July 08, 2005

Kiefer Sutherland Here. Shaq Will Join Us Later.

Greetings my minions with large penises and beautiful breasts. How's it going? Just so you know, I am going to litter this blog with sexual terms because when my friend Shaquille O'Neal was visiting, he showed me that his blog came up as the first website when one searched for "gay sex" on Yahoo.com. To make it easier to recognize, I will bold to those terms. So, don't get your cocks tied in a knot over it.

So, Shaquille O'Neal came to visit me. We had a great time, and he actually wrote a little entry on my computer for me to cut and paste into my blog (he didn't know how to access his blog from other people's computers). Here's what he thought about the visit.

Hey, y'all heard about this place called New York City? I was was just chilling there with my gay son Evan Jacobs. Hey, y'all heard that in this place they got buildings that are almost as tall as me? That's crazy, man. Next thing you know, they'll be making buildings that weigh almost as much as me! They already got buildings that can hit two pointers with more consistency than my gargantuan black ass. Sheeeit. Well, that fool Evan, when he wasn't having hot gay man penis sex, was chillin with with the best ball player of all time. No, not Kobe! Fuck you, man. That ain't funny. I was talking about Diesel. Me! And damn, did we chill hard. We had more fun than I had at the after-after party for the premier of Kazaam, and half the fun I had the night I scored that contract with radioshaq (I'm in charge of spelling). But shit, y'all heard of gay little perverts? This Evan kid was all up in my big black dick. I swear, all he wanted my my autograph and my virginity! But don't worry folks, there's no way I'm ever gonna lose my V-Card to a cracker ass honky. I'm going to save it for a fine big ass black bitch even if she doesn't like her dicks gay and covered with jizz. Anyway, to make a long story short, I had a shaqriffic time in New York City, but now I gotta go practice my free throws. Catch me on my own blog.

Well, wasn't that nice of him to make a blog entry? He sure used a lot of terms that I contained the words "gay," "penis," "sex," "bitch," "black," and "pussy." Wait, he didn't use "pussy."

The reason I am Keifer Sutherland is that it was my birthday a week ago, so I am now 24. Now, 24 is a show on fox. Keifer Sutherland is what makes it great. He really is the show. He is 24. And so am I. Therefore, by the reflexive property of mathematics (if x=y then y=x), if he is the show, then the show is him. 24 is Kiefer Sutherland. Now, by the transitive property of mathematics (if x=y and y=z then x=z), if I am 24, and 24 is Kiefer Sutherland, then I am Kiefer Sutherland. Thus the title of my cock. I mean blog.

People on the street were asked whether or not they were afraid to go on the trains today, because of horrible and gay sex events in London. They mostly said "no," because they felt that they cannot live in fear. That's stupid. I'm afraid. We all know that Al Qaeda, in all of its history, specialized in having two terrorist attacks in two consecutive days in the same exact manner. Don't you remember when they crashed the planes into the empire state building on september 12th? And then when they attacked madrid on 3/11, sure enough, I was on the train the next day and then BAM! My backpack exploded. If you can't trust yourself, you're not winning the war on terrorism. So, in conclusion, I'm scared because Al Qaeda always attacks large cities two times in two weeks. There's no way they space out attacks by years. Saying that this is probably the best possible time to use the subways because they're Al Qaeda proof would be crazy. God, people who say that are such big hot black penises.

Happy Birth Gay To Me! And thanks, Shaq, for coming over. And sorry, the rest of you, for not blogging enough. I'll try to be more on the ball. Hugs and Penises!