Archived Blog Jan 18 2005

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

It Cold! --or-- Mommy No Likey Da Bloggy!

People of the world, ladies and gentlemen, animals, Moez, Diesel, Jon Douglas, and Makeen (wherever you are), there is something very important I have to say: It colder than a mug, fool. Not that all of you are fools... I was just using the term more to punctuate the end of the sentence rather than insult you. It's so cold that when I go outside, I start to choke on my own testicles, cause they are, you know, all up inside my body. Liquid nitrogen is freezing out here. It's fucking cold! Anyway, what's new? I'll tell you with some good old Q and A!

Q: What do you mean, "mommy no likey da bloggy?"

A: Yeah, I talked to my mom the other day, and she didn't know I had a blog, so I told her the address. She came back to me and told me that I shouldn't be wearing uncomfortable shoes. That's true enough, but I put that post up like two months ago. Also, she seemed to be worried about my saying certain "offensive" language that might get me into trouble. Well, I will solve that problem right now.

IF YOU HAVE EVER BEEN OFFENDED BY ANYTHING WRITTEN IN MY BLOG, IT IS FOR THE SOLE REASON THAT I FORGOT TO WRITE "I CERTAINLY DO NOT BELIEVE THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT:" IN FRONT OF IT. THAT BETTER, MOM? JESUS CHRIST, I CERTAINLY DON'T BELIEVE THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT: I WISH I HAD BEEN ABORTED LIKE MY FIRST SISTER THAT MY PARENTS ALWAYS JOKE ABOUT OR I WISH I HAD BEEN CUT UP AND PUT INTO THE FREEZER LIKE MY SECOND SISTER THAT MY PARENTS ALWAYS JOKE ABOUT. JUST KIDDING. THEY ONLY JOKE ABOUT MY FIRST SISTER. THE SECOND ONE IS A SECRET.

Q: Why you ain't posted in a week, shorty?

A: Well, I've been busy. Ever since my date last week, stuff has been happening, you know? On Thursday I... Well... Nothing happened on Thursday. But then on Friday, I went out and got rocked. Then on Saturday, I went out and got rocked. Besides, I can't post on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, or Monday, cause I'm not at work. I ain't gonna post at home because that would waste my precious time, ya knizzle?

Q: So, what's the news on the ga-ga-ga-ga-girl front?

A: The other night at a bar, I kind of gave a girl my number, but I wasn't really attracted to her. She called me last night. Thus, I am going to have to tell her to fuck off. I'm an ass. On the brighter side, I am going out with the girl who I was talking about in my last post on Friday. That should be really nice. Apparently, I made an ass out of myself but stopped short at "complete ass." Meanwhile, I have been visiting craig's list (newyork.craigslist.org) and responding to the personal posts. The problem is, the only pictures I have of myself are four, in which I am wearing my spider-man shirt (ugh), am holding a Swiss ball over my head a la Atlas, the mythological Greek figure, and am wearing a fake mustache made out of electrical tape. As for that last item, I wish I had a reason to do it. I was completely sober, and had some leftover electrical tape. I mean, what would you have done? Anyway, so I am going to keep at it, and hopefully, I will have a girlfriend (or better yet, harem!) by Valentine's Day.

Q: So, I guess you're going to an open-mic tonight?

A: Wow, I'm happy that you have remembered my schedule so well! But, alas, I am not. I want to go home to work out tonight and then I can work out tomorrow so I don't have work out on Friday so I have time for my dizzle! Ok? Also, I need to stay in. I am running low on the Ritalin, and I need to work on my spec script for arrested development.

Q: So, how's 24?

A: Well... you know... maybe I'm getting older. Maybe I've lost touch with the young people. What I'm trying to say is that IT'S FUCKING AWESOME!!! God bless you Jack Bauer. God bless you.

Q: Anything else to report?

A: Yes. Yesterday, I applied for a passport, which should arrive in six weeks. I am going to use it to go visit Martin and also go to Amsterdam, where I will visit Anne Frank's house among other things. Also, it's cold out here! Cold as a mug. I'm wearing long underwear. Do they make long thong underwear? That would be cool, right guys?

Q: Anything to forgive?

A: I forgive the blackness of Jack Johnson, boxer. I also forgive the indianness of Moez and the banglaness of Shaq. I forgive my own Jewishness. But, I will never forgive the blackness of Jack Johnson! His is what I would call "unforgivable Blackness."

Q: Are you too tired to write anymore, and do you want Moez and Shaq and others to comment?

A: How did you know?Pweeece!