Archived Blog Jan 7 2006

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Holy Shit! I updated my blog!

The following introduction was written by Shaquille O'Neal several weeks ago.

Yo, y'all erver hurrd a introductions? This be Shaq. I'm gonna be using somma my introducing skillz to introduce this cat Evan. I was visiting this dude in NYC, and I gotta tell you, that city is whack. Last time I was there, everything was cool. Now, people be all pointing at yours truly and shouting "King Kong!" Listen y'all, Shaq is the king, but he ain't no damn gorilla. Dats racist. Besides, you put that punk-ass Kong in the court with me one on one, you know what's gonna happen. I got about two inches on that ape, and he ain't got no skillz. He'd be all traveling and goal tending and the ref would be all whistle blowing and I'd be all dunking and then you'd be all like "damn Shaq, you are the King and not the Kong!"

But anyway, back to the introduction.

Yo, y'all erver hurrd a gay-little pervert kidnappers? This dude Evan pulld a fast one on Diesel, which is me. We went out for a nice dinner on the town. He wanted to go to Magic Johnson's restaurant, but I was like "fuck that. He's a pussy. HIV wouldn't hurt me. I'd kick it's ass and use it. My eight-foot-tall black ass would be scoring 200 points a game. In fact, I might just go out and get HIV for that reason. Bottom line, y'all, I wouldn't quit the league and get all fat and round like magic. I ain't eatin' at no restaurant like that.

But anyway, back to gay-little-pervert kidnappers. Yo y'all, that gay little pervert kidnapped me. That's right! Me! Shaq! We go out for our nice dinner, and this dude is being all cordial to Diesel, no what I'm saying. And man, one thing leads to another which leads to us kissing. Evan was looking fly that night.

So this little dude asks me back to my place and I say, "sure, I'm Shaq. What could go wrong?" Well, I'll tell you what could go wrong. I could get kidnapped. And I did get kidnapped.So the dude and I are doing our business. You know, getting our respective freaks on. Then this gay little pervert throws this smelly rag on my face and the next thing I know, I'm sitting in a closet with my legs tied to my hands. First thing I think: "Kobe!" But it wasn't Kobe, it was that dude Evan.Now, don't get me wrong. That dude fed me my daily requirement. 300 pounds of wheat. 50 pounds of meat. 500 pounds of greens (mostly grass). And one Colt 45 cause Billy Dee is my boy. And shit, that gay little pervert even hooked me up with my favorite thing in the world: the icy-hot sleeve.

Eventually I, Shaq, remembered that I am a for real Genie. Remember that movie? So, I wished myself out of there, and then I wished up this introduction.

If this experience has taught me something, it's that I need to work on my three frows like a mug.

That being having been said, enjoy this homosexual Jewish man's new entry.

Shaq out.

Hey guys, it's me. Don't be confused, I let Shaq write the introduction. Just so you know, he doesn't know what he's talking about. I counted 600 pounds of greens. Not five. Whatever. Anyway, here's what's new with me since my last posting.

GRAD SCHOOLS!
I am currently applying to three graduate schools for Creative Writing in English. Want to know why? Cause I like going to school. And, when I teacher forgets to give out homework, I always raise my hand to make sure that he/she does. The three schools I am applying to are secret, but I will give you hints. One of the schools is the largest cocaine producing country in the world. Another is a prominent University of New York. The third rhymes with "The Bew School." Thinking caps on, kids!

COMEDY SHOW!
I have a comedy show coming up on January 20th. Come and see it! If you don't, you're gonna pay. Hear that, America?! You're gonna pay! Be there.

NEW YEARS!
It's totally a new year, and my resolution is the same as it always is. My new years resolution is to not die. Good luck with that one, Evan.

CYST ON MY FUCKING SCALP!
So I debauchedly wake up the other day after a debauched night of debauched debauchery, and guess what, there's this lump on the top of my head, and I have a headache. It's not a big lump, rather small really, but the difference between the bump and my normal head makes me feel that I look like Tom after Jerry whacks him with a mallet. My initial diagnosis is Brain cancer, but alas, that was not to be the case. Turns out, it's a goddamned cyst! Now I gotta get it removed. Shit.

RAVENS!
Ravens are the smartest bird. Go figure. Don't believe me? Look it up, asshole!

GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS!
After a veritable onslaught of women (some attractive, most not) I am again single, available, and lonely. Gimme a call (no fat chicks)! Although, in an interesting development, my ex-girlfriend (who doesn't want to go out with me!! seriously, what the hell is that about?) and I saw Spam-a-lot (As a Monty Python afficianado, I can say that it sucked), and then we discussed the fact that she doesn't ever want to go out with me again. Well, c'est la vie. At least I gave her her Harry Potter books back, cause I was this close to keeping them.

BORED OF WRITING THIS BLOG ENTRY!

You know why it takes me so long to update my blog? Cause writing a blog is FUCKING BORING! However, after this little break, I realize it is something I need to do, because when I don't write my blog, miners get crushed, pakistan gets earthquaked, terrells get owensed, 2005 get 2006ed, and everybody dies. Well, come back to life, cocksuckers!As an added bonus, I have a treat for you guys. That's right, the actual pictures of me and that fucking rat that bit me! Here you go!

This is the rat. Duh? Here's my hand on the rat! Awesome, right? Not disgusting at all! Right? Right? Hello?

Here's a picture that's completely different from the previous one!

This is me with my phone, about to get bit by the rat.

This is me, after I got bit by the rat! See how I'm holding my finger? See? Hello?!

Anyway, as an aside, the rat lived! You heard me right. The rat lived! More on that later.