Archived Blog Aug 22 2005

Monday, August 22, 2005

People or Things That Deserve to Have an Upside-Down Helicopter Fall on Them

Greetings everybody. I notice that no one has been commenting on my blog entries (except diesel). That’s ok. I like doing all of this work for nothing. I love it when people don’t care about what I have to say. Being ignored is so awesome. So keep it up, people. Stop visiting this page and reading what I wrote. I just spend hours on it, why should you waste precious seconds reading it? Oh, what, because you’re my friend? Friends are for the weak. All of my friends are actually just benign enemies. Anyway, please stop commenting on my blog, because I don’t write a blog to have it read, I write it to waste my goddamned time. Anyway, keeping with the theme of this intro, today’s subject will be things that I hate. Obviously, there are going to be things that I hate that won’t be mentioned, so I’ll get to them in the sequel. Here they are.

Youfemizzums:

Well, not all euphemisms, but one in particular. I once knew this girl who, after learning that a friend/acquaintance had died the day before in a car accident, called up another friend to break the news. She spoke of the deceased girl and said that the girl had “passed away” yesterday. Then she told me how this is like the eighth friend to “pass away” in a car accident in her life. Yeah, he passed away in a car accident. Just like all those Jews passed away in the holocaust, right? Or remember when Kennedy passed away after he was SHOT IN THE HEAD?!?! Here’s the deal. Girl, it’s sad that your friend died, but she didn’t pass away, she got killed! She fucking died! She got killed in a car accident. She didn’t pass away as if she was a hundred years old and died in her sleep, she was crushed to death in a car! And if you keep misrepresenting and frankly insulting the dead, you deserve to have someone pass you away! Have respect for your friend. Tell them what actually happened. She didn’t pass away! You at least have to be in bed to pass away, at least!! You’re going to offend people with this soft, pussified language. For example, wasn’t it sad when those 3000 people passed away on 9/11? No, it wasn’t sad because IT NEVER HAPPENED! They didn’t pass away, they died! And using the term “passed away” makes you almost as bad as the terrorists themselves. Come on Americans, stop lying to yourselves and get a grip.

Aksents and Bad Pronunseeayshun:

This is a much larger category of things that I hate. Because, first of all, there are many accents that I love where I think the pronunciations are much better. However, there are just too many that I hate to ignore them. Today we will go over just a few examples. I hate it when people say “sore” instead of “saw.” “Yeah I sore him. He was holding a hacksore and I also sore a sore on his jore which was a real appearance floor. He was somewhat of an enigmore. Then I sore him break a lore and then he bought tickets to Panamore. Then I ate sushi and that fish was really roar!” What could be worse than that, you say? I’ll tell you. You’ve all heard it before. It’s become infamous. Say it with me folks! People who say “axe” instead of “ask.” Come on, people! Just say ask! Is it that hard? Is this a country full of dyslexic morons? These people can say “ask.” I know they can. I’ve never heard someone say “my favorite state is Alaxa.” I’ve never heard someone say “I loved Jim Carrey in ‘The Max!” Are you kidding me, people? You know how to spell, right? You can say a three letter word correctly, right? No one says “how” instead of “who.” I refuse to believe that the people who say “axe” don’t know how to spell “ask.” They have to. If they were all illiterate, well, then I would under—ok, that would still be bad. But come on! Can’t you see that the fucking “s” comes before the fucking “k?” The rule is not “’s’ before ‘k’ except after ‘a.’”

Elevator Doors:

There’s another strange phenomenon that makes me see red. I’ve only encountered this twice, but both times, my head actually exploded. Both times I was waiting behind someone to enter an elevator. The elevator door opened. People got out. After that, I was all ready to go inside the elevator, cause that’s what I usually do when people leave the elevator. Then the doors start closing, and I think, uh oh, I’d better get in there to block the doors from closing, cause I don’t want to miss my elevator. So, the jackass in front of me puts her hand in the doorway, but then removes it when she loses her nerve, thinking that the elevator was going to crush her hand, and then I missed the goddamned elevator. This has happened twice. How can people be this stupid? Did I miss some news report about someone who died being crushed in an elevator door? Has that ever happened? Have they ever made an elevator without these safety mechanisms? Jesus Christ, people. Here’s what I figure. The woman who was too afraid to put her hand in the elevator door was named Helga Visselgoth. She used to be a Viking, but was then frozen somehow. Years later, she was unfrozen somehow. Then she got a job in my building, and decided to use the elevator. She had heard many stories about these wonderful machines of the future, but had never seen one. And, because of her very bad experiences when she first encountered television (she kicked the TV thinking there were demons in it and accidentally electrocuted herself), alarm clocks (when the alarm went off, she had just come out of the shower and she crushed it in her hand, electrocuting herself), and the internet (she accidentally downloaded gay porn instead of straight porn, electrocuting herself), she was wary about the elevator door. So, as the door closed, she thought that maybe she would be brave by trying valiantly to sacrifice her own arm for a spot in the elevator. However, her nerves gave out and cowardice kicked in, and she withdrew her arm, shaking and crying. I consoled her on the floor as she wept, holding her like she was my child. I told her that everything would be just fine. Our eyes met and our animal instincts took over. We kissed like two lifeguards giving each other mouth-to-mouth, and then we dropped to the floor together in passion, making sweet love for hours. It was a beautiful experience. But seriously, what a moron.

There are so many more things that I hate, but I am getting really tired of writing this blog entry. I will have another one down the line so I can share more grievances with you. Til next time, I’m Evan Jacobs.