Archived Blog Aug 15 2005

Monday, August 15, 2005

Grizzly Man is Stupid

Before I start this blog, I have been asked to clean it up by unamed sources that may or may have not impregnated my mother with half my genetic material. So, there will be no more references to… well… it will just be clean from now on. Besides, scatological humor just isn’t funny. I guess. Let’s see how this goes.

So there’s this new documentary called Grizzly Man. It is about a man named Timothy Treadwell. I watched a primetime live segment about this movie. It was, to say the least, very interesting. Timothy Treadwell decided that he could live amongst the Alaskan grizzly bears without knowing anything about them, and could do so for months at a time. Surprise surprise, he got killed by a bear. So, they made a movie about it. This idiot loved being in front of the camera and loved being with those damn grizzly bears. He took his girlfriend with him when he died, and she got eaten as well, which was a shame because she was attractive. It’s all very sad, but not very tragic. Horribly, the death was recorded on the camcorder’s audio because the cap had been left on. Timothy’s friend owns the camcorder, and also the recording. Only three people in the world have listened to it, and each say that they will never forget it because it is so horrible. I find that disturbing. So, where do I come into this? As a comedian I know said, “my job is too reach into the tragedy and sorrow and sadness and pull out the happy!” So, I will write a quick audio play here called “Death of a Dumbass” which is my interpretation of the last recording of his life.

“Death of a Dumbass”

Timothy: Ok, are we recording?

Girlfriend: Yup.

Timothy: Ok, is the lens cap off?

Girlfriend: Yup.

Timothy: Are you sure?

Girlfriend: Yeah, I’m not stupid.

Timothy: I know you’re not. I was just asking. Ok. As you can see ladies and gentlemen, sitting behind me is a huge, disgruntled grizzly bear. Don’t worry though, I’ve given him a name. His name is Apricot. Now, I am going to attempt to pet Apricot on the nose.

Girlfriend: Are you sure that you want to—

Timothy: Please. I have done this before. I know what I’m doing. Now, you’ll see he’s growling ferociously and standing on his back legs while I move my hand towards his gaping, drooling mouth. This is perfectly normal. Now, you see that as I put my hand on his nose, he will ever so gently… Um… He ate my hand.

Girlfriend: Oh my god! Are you okay? You’re bleeding all over the place. We should get out of—

Timothy: Honey, please. Ok? Just shhh… Nothing to worry about now. I’ve had my hand eaten plenty of times, all I have to do is retrieve it with my other hand. I know this bear, and I know he would never purposefully hurt me. Would you, Apricot? Now, watch how delicately I insert my left hand into his mouth to retrieve my missing right ha—Ok then. He ate my left hand too.

Girlfriend: Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. We need to get you to a hospital.

Timothy: Can’t you see I’m doing my show? Keep it down! Ok. So Apricot got a little excited. Honey, put the camera on a tripod and come over here. I need your help.

Girlfriend: But the bear, he looks—

Timothy: DO IT!! God, you are so annoying.

Girlfriend: Ok. But only because I trust you and I love—

Timothy: SHUT UP AND GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!!

Girlfriend: Hi, everybody at home. Here I am with my boyfriend and his favorite bear, Apricot. Hi apricot. It looks like you got something of my boyfriend’s. Let me just—

Timothy: Uh oh. Well, as you can see, ladies and gentlemen, bears love eating girlfriends. But don’t worry, because I’m not worried either. Sure, I have two bloody stumps instead of hands, but who doesn’t? I will get my hands back yet. Umm.. and maybe my girlfriend, but I was getting sick of her anyway, and I— Ok! You want to play? Eh Apricot? Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see here, Apricot has accepted me as his friend and is now playing a game with me. He seems to think that I have a present for him in my stomach. Oh, you silly bear, those are just my intestines. Ok, eat ‘em all up, I know you’re hungry. Don’t worry ladies and gentlemen, if I could count on one hand the amount of times I’ve had my intestines eaten, well, I’d still have a hand, now wouldn’t I? Ha! Now, you see that Apricot is being very friendly and gnawing on my neck. Don’t leave a hicky, Apricot! Now, the red substance that he is removing is my jugular. Don’t be alarmed, ladies and gentlemen, I—wait. Is that. Oh no, is the lens cap still on the camera? The lens cap is on. The lens cap is on!!! No!!! Oh God!!! No!!! There’s no visual!!! No!!! Help!!! No!!! Women don’t understand technology!!!

END SCENE

Those are, as far as I can predict, the audio of the last moments of Timothy’s life. I will see y’all next blog entry.