Archived Blog Aug 24 2005

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Women: Can’t live with em, can’t take away their right to vote, round them all up, and keep the most attractive as a reusable breeding population.

Greetings, people of Earth (Hi Chris! What up Makeen? Yo Azubah! What’s the hizzy Angela? Hello, Mother and Father. What the fuck is up all the rest of y’alls?) So, today, the title of my post is in reference to women. So, today’s post is kind of about women too. Hillary Clinton’s a woman, right? Ok. I love Hillary. I want her to be president. She is a great person and an example for us all. I would rather die than have her even slightly inconvenienced. She is a goddess. That being said she has stupid ideas about one thing: vidja games. That is the true subject of my post today: vidja games and the violence therein.

There is a debate in this country about vidja games that is raging all across our nation, from Maryland to Washington DC. People are saying that vidja games breed violence and ignorance. I would like to respond to this, first sarcastically:

Wow! Video games cause so much violence! It’s incredible. Why, just the other day, I was playing a Star Wars game. I turn it off and go to the supermarket. When I’m in the supermarket, there was this Twi’lek walking around, and I totally took out my lightsaber and killed him. People started screaming, but I didn’t see what was wrong. “He was a Sith!” I said, but people didn’t think that I had any right to kill that alien like that. Seconds later, a band of five ewoks came up to me and drew their spears. I tried to argue with them that a good Sith is a dead Sith, but they didn’t back down. With another quick flick of my lightsaber, I cut down this group. To say the least, the Gristedes staff, after taking a quick glance at the limbs and appendages on the floor, thought that this was inappropriate behavior. So, they called the cops. And guess what? One of the cops was a dirty Twi’lek. I hate Twi’leks!



Above: A Twi'lek. Below: A Lego Twi'lek. I hate them!



To make a long story short, I had to kill them all with my lightsaber again. A few minutes later, I was sitting on top of a bleeding heap of arms, heads, legs, and torsos, and I reflected on what I had done. Why? Why did I kill all those people? Then I remembered: the video game! The video game had taught me to be racist toward Twi’leks. It taught me that a lightsaber was a fun toy, and not a dangerous weapon. It also taught me that the life of a Jedi is one of battle and not sacrifice. But those aren’t the values I’m supposed to be learning. I never thought I’d use my lightsaber for evil! It’s just a damn shame. But, I’m happy to say, today I gave my lightsaber to a nice homeless man. He will have better use for it than I.

But if you think that’s it, you are far from absolutely correct. I used to play Mario Brothers, and in that game, if you eat a star, you become invincible. Now, because I was an impressionable youth, I thought that I would eat a star. Well, here’s something you didn’t know. Stars are big. I wasn’t able to finish that thing in one day! It took like three days! It was stale at the end and hardly appetizing, but I wanted to be invincible, damnit! That’s not all, though. I’ll bet you didn’t know that stars are really hot. I was blowing on this thing so much, and it still burned. I don’t think I have any tastebuds left because some jerk decided to go nuts with the hot sauce. The whole time I was eating that star, I had a glass of water in my right hand. And here’s another thing you didn’t know about stars. They are far away! To get to that star, I had to have my mom drive me for hours! Seriously, hours! I’ve never driven so far for food before. And guess what? When I ate the star, all the planets surrounding it were cast off into space, surely to be destroyed. I kind of feel bad about this because one of the planets definitely had a civilization on it (they gave me the diet coke to wash the star down) and I just killed them all. And then, worst of all, eating that infinitely heavy and large ball of gas didn’t make me invincible. In fact, it gave me horrible, explosive diarrhea. Needless to say, it took more than one trip to the bathroom.

All this just bolsters Hillary’s point. Kids always act out video games. In fact, there was no violence before video games. Video games caused all of it. What? World War II? I can’t hear you! LA LA LA LA LA LA! As I was saying, before video games, we lived in a utopia. Then, Pong ruined us all. The violence displayed in Pong gave the American public an unquenchable blood-lust and an enjoyment of suffering. All video games should be censored! In fact, all video games and systems should be taken off the market, burned, and blasted into the sun. Then, all the people who play video games should be burned and blasted into the sun. Then, the earth should be blasted into the sun to erase the horrible Pandora’s Box that is video games from the universe.

Ok, now non-sarcastically:

The argument is such: Some video games (like grand theft auto) glorify violence, crime, and misogyny. I agree with that. These video games let children play out fantasies of murder, rape, and drug usage. I also agree with that. These children then live out their video game experiences in real life. I also agree with… wait. That’s bullshit! Here’s my argument, and we can start with GTA.

Grand Theft Auto
This game is the center of all controversy because you can play as a villain, and you get points for immoral actions. Recently a man was arrested because he killed three police officers and stole a cop cruiser apparently acting out a scenario from the game. You know what? I believe he was acting out a scenario from the game. I also believe that this man was a complete psychotic, and if he hadn’t ever played video games, he still would have probably caused violence on this scale. “No,” says Hillary Clinton. Without that video game, this man would be a Buddhist monk. Violent people are going to be violent no matter what happens. Not a good enough argument? Well, here’s this one. The Grand Theft Auto series debuted around ten years ago. It’s not recent. Ten years ago, the graphics were much more primitive, but the point of the game was the same. You were rewarded for killing innocent people. Where was Hillary then? And another thing, movies and television glorify murder and rape, but then again, so does everyday life! You watch the daily news and you have murder and rape stories. Maybe we shouldn’t show the news anymore. And another thing: It’s mostly adults who are playing these video games. You see, there aren’t any little kids playing GTA without the express permission from their parents. Who’s gonna buy the video game anyway. But, the bottom line is much more simple.

My whole life, I’ve been hearing that violence in the media begets violence in real life. Although I cannot quote any actual studies about this, I know that this has simply never been proven. In fact, in my eyes, it has only been supported by acts of psychos and criminals who have had previous arrests and reenact a video game much like a copycat murderer will reenact a homicide. There used to be a time when there weren’t video games. There used to be a time when there weren’t movies. Back then, people complained about how sexy and violent books were destroying society. Books! The fact of the matter is that violent people will be violent no matter what stimuli they have. Normal people do not become murderers. I don’t care how many times you’ve seen “Saving Private Ryan.” Murderers become murderers, nothing more, nothing less. Murderers come up with excuses for murders, like “the devil told me to do it” or, “I played it in GTA,” but the fact of the matter is that those two excuses are interchangeable. GTA does not cause people to murder other people. If anything, people with murderous tendencies are able to alleviate them by playing these games. Instead of killing someone for real, they can do it in a video game, where no one really gets hurt. It’s not like kids who play Grand Theft Auto don’t know about killing people. The game is not introducing anything to them. It is merely reflecting the society in which we live. Also, has anyone pointed out that the cops can and will kill you in this video game? Wouldn’t the kids notice this? I’m sorry this post isn’t as funny as more recent ones. I will try to spice it up with this: Monkeypenis!

Yay

Evan