Archived Blog Aug 4 2005

Thursday, August 04, 2005

The Three Most Important Things In Real Estate: 1. Location. 2. Location. 3. Sperm-Dripping, Ethiopian Dicks.

Hello Evanites, how is my powerful army doing? The great. I am so proud of all of you continuing to be my minions and fighting for me. What? Ted came back late from lunch? Shoot him in the head! Let that be a lesson to the rest of you lazy bastard Evanites. Fucking around is something that I do not participate in.Update: Many of you might be asking, "what's with all the gay sex stuff?" Well, for some god-only-knows reason, I have decided that I want my blog to be first pick on your search engine when you--and you know who you are--search for your nightly dosage of gay sex. So, let the floppy, blood-covered, penis-party commence! Spread your anuses everybody! It's time to see what's going on in Evan's life.

DUMPED!!!

Well jizz on my face and call me Casper The Jizz-Loving Friendly Ghost. I got dumped!! Most of you aren't aware that I even had a girlfriend. Well, scroll back through my blogs until you get to the last time I broke up with someone. Yep. That's it. Ok, close your eyes and now use your imagination and visualize a universe in which I pretty much got back together with the girl immediately and have been going out until three days ago. Open your eyes! Your imagination has created reality! I got dumped on monday. She said she got into the relationship too fast after a five year relationship and maybe it was a mistake. That's fine with me though, I wanted to die alone anyway. Well, we're still going to try to be ejaculating schlongs. I mean, friends.

POTTERED!!!

I've started reading the Harry Potter books. It turns out (although I am only in the beginning of the second book) that they are excellent. They are about a young, gay wizard named Harry Potter who is famous for surviving an attack from the evil gay wizard Voldemort which killed his parents. The only thing he has to remember his parents and this event by is a large penis shaped scar on his penis. When he goes to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Gay Wizardry, he learns to use his magical wand (penis) to magically shoot out smaller penises that, in turn, blow their loads on his gay enemies. Harry has two friends. Ron Weasly, whom he regularly sodomizes, and Hermione Granger, with whom he regularly discusses how he is disgusted by the thought of even hugging a woman. You should give it a read. I liked the first book so much that I actually ejaculated feces!

FIRED!!!

I'm not sure if I talked about this before, but I have devolved to my natural state of not having a job. I was laid off from my previous job for two reasons. The first reason is that they ran out of legal documents for me to code. The second reason is that the company is run by jew-killing, black-hating, Osama-bin-Laden-cheering, stem-cell-research-restricting, anti-flag-burning, "friends"-watching, wife-swapping, penn-charter-loving necrophiliac nazis. Now I am looking for a new job. Maybe something in retail. I love retail. It really makes me feel like a semen covered scrotum.

LAZIED!!!

I am working on comedy, ok? It is still my dream to be a comedian. The only problem is that people don't always laugh when I tell jokes. My dad suggested that I should go to a speech therapist, which I would love to do. I'll make sure to find one when I start vomiting money. Until then, I'll just have to handle it by myself. Also, I have been thinking about going to special skit writing classes later on. I will keep you updated about it. Other things I need to do? Let's see. I need to: Learn how to use my dell axim. Finish some books. Learn how to use filemaker pro. Find a new girlfriend. Write some new jokes. Gain the urge to run again. Lose some weight. Eat better. Wake up earlier. Spend less money. Kill the president of mozambique. And just get my shit together. I'm working on it, ok? Get of my fucking homosexual back!

IN CONCLUSIONED!!!

At this point, I am rather tired from typing. The head of my penis is red and swollen from all the key strokes I have made and I won't even tell you how annoying it is to hold down the shift button with my balls. Until next time, don't spew your hot sticky wad onto the face of anyone you have known for less that three hours. It's just not appropriate. See you next time, Evanites. Sorry, Ted.