Archived Blog Sept 14 2005

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry 9/11!

Hey everybody! Did you have a good 9/11 holiday? Mine was great. Santa came down and brought me a great gift: a negative result on my HIB test! No HIB for me! In your face, Rock Hudson! In your face, Magic Johnson! In your face, Greg Louganis! That’s right, I had an AIDS test this morning, and I don’t have the human immuno-deficiency birus! Now I can go sticking used heroin needles into my unprotected penis all I want! It was kind of fun, but I wasn’t able to be as humorous as I wanted because the guy who was asking questions of me was chinese, and his grasp of english was good, but not good enough to detect the sublteness of my statement “I did the nasty without a jimmy hat.” It’s funnier if whoever is saying that is wearing a tie at the time, as I was.

Below: This is me getting my HIB test. I don't know why, but in many photographs, I come out looking like a black woman. Incidentally, the man testing me was actually the ethiopian with whom I had anal sex after I found out that I was clean.

Ugh. I got horrible sleep last night. I don’t know what happened, but I ended up waking about every half hour or so. That sucks, you know? As usual, the best sleep I got was the last hour, which wasn’t even that good. Then I went down to get my HIB screening. Now I’m all groggy and trying to work, and it sucks, because I don’t even like to work when I’m well rested. Speaking of things sucking, I need to work on my grammar and vocab.

Now, a quick message about Katrina. Everyone should lay off the president! That’s right, give him some space. Give George Bush the benefit of the doubt. How could George Bush know that New Orleans was hit by a hurricane when he didn’t even know what a hurricane was? That’s right. It takes time to learn things. You can’t expect him to be some sort of hurricane genius moments after discovering the fact that they even exist. Also, how was George Bush supposed to know that the levees and floodgates wouldn’t hold up under the storms onslaught when he had never even heard of Louisiana? All tucked away down there, it’s not his fault he’s never heard of Louisiana or New Orleans. Get off his back! I think we should focus on what a good job Bush is doing given he is the first president with Down's Syndrome.

Below: George Bush during the hurricane, trying to remember where he had heard of "Louisiana" before. Poor little guy.

What’s the deal with ex-girlfriends? Mine’s acting like she doesn’t even want to date me anymore. What’s that about? Maybe she’ll change her mind if I keep leaving her text messages…

So, as a follow up to my last post, I have a weight-loss plan now. I am going to go on what is known as my dad’s slime diet. This will be a period of time where I will just drink these meal replacement shakes instead of eating anything else. I will lose all this extra weight and become king among men! While I do this, I suppose I will try to not drink, unless of course, Poontang is involved (Poontang is my cambodian friend who loves to hit the sauce!) Oh yeah, I will also drink if it might get me laid. I will keep you all updated about that crap.

Below: My friend Poontang! Isn't he adorable? That kid gets so much pussy.

Here’s a little thing that I think I should share. It’s my opinion on girls and the tattoos that they get above their ass-cracks. First of all, tattoos are stupid anyway. If you argue with this, you probably have a tattoo, and think you aren’t stupid. Well, you might not be stupid, but when you got the tattoo, you did something stupid, and now you have a stupid thing on you forever. Why are tattoos stupid, you ask? They are stupid for the simple reason that they are permanent. Anything permanent is stupid. Prove me wrong here. Also, tattoos just make you look like an idiot. You need at least three pairs of glasses to outweight just one tattoo! These tattoos used to be about individuality and rebelliousness. Now they are about trying to match clothing. It used to be like, “I’m gonna get a tattoo! That’s right! Screw my parents! Screw the government! Screw everybody! I’m getting a tattoo.” Now it’s like, “I’m gonna get a tattoo. That’s right! Screw Lisa! Screw Christine! Screw Julie! They keep making fun of me for not having a tattoo like they do. Well, let’s see who they make fun of now!” That’s pretty bad.

Below: A woman (slut) showing her lower back tattoo (slut camouflage) so she can attract a male that will fornicate her and hopefully, beat her.

Now, when I’m checking out these girls, I just can’t get their supposed thoughts out of my head. “Look at my tattoo. I’m so cool. I am so cool. I’m cooler than you. Look at my tattoo! Maybe this tattoo will make guys want me more. Yeah! I love demeaning my personality by getting one of these tattoos installed.” Why don’t you just become a prostitute so you can get paid for looking like a whore? Seriously, have some self respect. Don’t just get a tattoo cause you want to get fucked. Now, don’t get me wrong. More often than not, I do want to have sex with these girls who have these tattoos. But these tattoos are indicative of the exact type of girl who would never want anythign to do with me. That’s another reason I don’t like them. They all complain when a creepy guy like me is staring at their asses. What’s their problem? They lok at me, and they’re all like “what are you looking at, loser?” Listen, sister, I didn’t pour whiskey down your throat, give you genital herpes and force you to get a tatoo of an arrow pointing down that, underneath it, says “dick goes here.” You did that to yourself, honey. I’m not the one who molested you when you were eleven, ok? And don’t pretend you aren’t dressed like a whore. You know you are. You know exactly why you got that tattoo. You make me sick. Now, what’s your number? Now, a whole generation of girls are conforming to each other. This emans that, in sixty years, there’s going to be some funny stuff going on. Like a dad taking his son to see his grandmother. “What’s that symbol on Grandma’s butt?” “Well, that’s a swastika. Grandma hates the jews but loves cock.”

Below: I used to think this chick was cool. Now she's just another girl that I want to have sex with. Check out the tattoo up close; it's a Swastika!

Ok. That’s over. See, that wasn’t that bad, was it? It wasn’t that funny either, was it?Well, until next time, I’m Evan Jacobs. This is my blog.